Travel. Write. Drink beer.

Six years ago, I started this blog. My job situation no longer served me. There was no draw to stay and I began the search for how to let go. Finding other fifty plus year olds who were willing to leave what they considered stability and security to wander the unknown was challenging. Lots of young people out exploring the world, making do with what is or comes, and willing
to take risks. It would seem that the wisdom of age would support going forth.

11.11.11, that's the day I walked away. Took a flight west for two weeks. Worked on my novel - NaMoWriMo. Watched ALL of Fraiser. Drank beer. I saw the city - San Fran and the Bay Area. I visited family and friends. I had a spa day and time at the beach. I had saved six months salary to commit to this process, to figure something out.

My plan was thwarted by the demands (then requests) from my family of origin to return "home" to tend the sick and dying. The question of my agreement is another post. I went and spend the next six months traveling between my home and theirs, sometimes daily. Maybe I wasn't specific enough about the travel plan. I drained my savings, sold any valuables worth a hundred or more, lived more simply. I made do.

Then I got a call from an old work mate asking me to come to work for her company. And so began the ridiculous saga that finally ends this weekend. My new freedom date becomes 11.06.17. I wanted to leave sooner. I planned to move on. I shifted based on money. Then something happened and I knew I would not stay longer than the resignation requirement.

This time I have no six months living expenses in savings. No particular plan or even idea of what's next. I am open. I am attentive. In the meantime, I am off again, heading west. Instead of writing, I knit and have a daily photo plan. Still planning to drink beer.

I'm living life, around the curve.

Untold Blessings

I am in the midst of life changes again. Thankfully, I enjoyed over four months at home hanging out with my grand-daughters through the summer and fall.

We had fun inside and out, playing, gardening, crafting, and lots of videos. The seven year old has a smart phone and takes every opportunity to press record. There are plenty with my hand blocking my shaking head.

Over at my creative blog, I posted the crochet hats I collected in bags, piles and baskets. I bought another mannequin head and some glass globes to help them keep shape. I rented a booth at the local flea market and displayed them for sale, but in the end only net $2.50.

Before I left town on November 7th, I donated the bulk of what I had left. I carried a dozen or so pieces thinking I could sale them at the Berkeley Flea Market. That didn't work so well, either. I left those items with my friends and daughter in the city to pass on. I really didn't matter. I had already reaped abundantly beyond that which I sowed.

My friend bought my plane fare round trip. My son financed transportation to the airport. My daughter always provides a home for me in the city. (Priceless) My friend treated me to a trip to Napa Valley and up into the mountains for Harbin Hot Springs. Hours of luxuriating in therapeutic waters, a private room with access to a dedicated pool. A fabulous dinner.

If I an sold every hat I made for my asking price, I would not have covered the cost of my birthday celebration. And there is no price for love.

I'm 50! 5!

Keep giving. When you feel like you don't have enough, give more.

Only love...

Be the Change

The stream returns.

Something happened earlier this year. I can't recall the exact moment I decided to change, but I did. I covered my hair. I started wearing wraps to work instead of allowing my locks to hang long.

Initially, it felt like fashion, but as I chose to cover each time I left the house, I could feel the commitment. I own dozen and dozens of scarves in solid and printed colors, so my options varied daily.

One day my co-worker asked if there was some significance to my head coverings. The truth was and is, that I realized hair, in all its forms of variation, causes attraction - at times, unwanted. Hair style, color, length, or lack, also invites opinions. My answer was that I was avoiding undue attention due to my hair.The other side of the story is that my hair is graying at the temples and I had not decided whether to color it or cut it all off. With it covered, no one would be the wiser. Hence, a new form of freedom and I am all about being free.

This month, May, I have been looking at modesty as intrigue. In a world where people are letting it all hang out, how about covering up? How do our relationships shift when we preserve some of the mystery? Modesty is an old concept, both socially and in my personal life. My family adhered to strict rules of modesty (in dress and presentation). It was a religious issue.

Today I am free of religious dictates for my life, so I cover on my own. It was a conspicuous experience. I work with Muslim women who practice hijab (modesty and privacy between men and unrelated women). I also work with conservative Christian women. I am neither. So, when I walk down the street with my head, neck and shoulders covered, I am an anomaly.

I feel peculiar. People look at me differently. They presume. They assume. They scold. "It's too hot for all that!"

I feel sacred. For the first time, I feel sanctified - set apart. Walking and praying seem more present, as if I am truly aware of not only the words, but my connection to them.

Driving covered, I am ashamed of the rage rising and spewing forth when I am cut off in traffic. I rethink the moment, recognizing that all is well and only my ego was assaulted. Still, I am reprimanded for my behavior. I expect to show up as understanding and forgiving every day. Being covered kept my attention on my intentions.

The biggest challenge came while I was shopping for liquor. Somehow it just didn't feel right to be buying alcohol while covered. I drink. I am free of any prohibitions against drinking alcohol. So, what's the deal?

Feel the feelings and keep on moving. That's what I've done this month. Having my head, neck and shoulders covered has refocused my attention. I reshaped the rest of my dress as well. I own plenty of clothing that covers my body. I wear them.

This is the best explanation I've heard for covering:

Think of your money. Would you leave it laying around for everyone to see, examine and handle? No. We put our money away. We keep it safe. away from prying eyes.

I am more precious than money. My body is sacred. I get to choose who has access, when and why.

I wish I were more comfortable covering completely outside of religious affiliation. It may come, or not. Today, I practice modesty as I represent individual freedom, choice, and intrigue. I'm taking back what's mine from the fantasy of being yours.

Namaste.

Being With What Is

Reality is a bitch. It just is. It doesn’t have to be, but in those first moments, before we come to full acceptance of what is, things can suck. We think we are upset, angry, distressed about the truth we have discovered. The reality is that our angst arises from dispelling the illusion. Whatever ideas, notions, hopes, or dreams we have held dissolve before our eyes and we are left with what feels like nothing.

There it is – you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad. I heard that from a friend during our discussion on the virtue of honesty. We live cloaked, hidden, clandestine lives to avoid going mad. Even those who claim to desire transparency have some spot reserved for privacy. Yes, there are those few who spout out every detail of their lives relaying excessive information, but their secret is the underlying cause of the behavior.

We are in the season of reflection and review. The last leaves are clinging to the branches, but the limbs are bare. The camouflage is fading and we can see through. This is what we claim we want – to see what is, to know the truth of it all, to find the meaning. To what end?

Last year, this time, I was in the final days before leaving my job. A beautifully crafted plan filled with hopes, dreams, and desires, funded by hard work and sacrifice, implemented with skill and determination, and finally artfully executed. I am still impressed (in case you can’t tell) and a little disappointed.

Life shifted and I followed along. Plans changed and I adjusted. Shit happened and I cleaned it up. I remained positive and cheerful in the face of challenge and adversity. I cried and laughed, and prayed. I asked others to pray in the places that I felt stuck. I thought the end would be different. It is not. 

Here we have disappointment – denied and unrealized expectation. Here also is the reality of what is. I am still crying. These tears release the fantasy I have carried for much of my life. Sometimes, what you see is all there is, for you. No amount of reworking and adjusting will change the situation. What I can change is my perspective and therefore, my perception. I can practice being with what is.

National Novel Writing Month - update

Balance for my rainy day - memories

There's nothing like a grand plan. I love them and I make them. Now here I am with five days and 25,000 words to go. There were several days I didn't write. I can see the error of my way, now. It's not that I think I should have been writing as much as maybe if I kept pushing I wouldn't feel so strapped today. The problem is my premise changed.

I have three women who had a secret I designed. The problem is that they want to be friends, but fear that exposing this aspect of themselves will interfere or perhaps destroy their budding relationship. I could have started them out as friends, but didn't. They had to meet. Since I knew the secret, I could have offered it early. I thought I had, but it turns out they had different secrets to deal with other than the ones I designed.

Today we have a bit of a mess. One is really deluded. The other on the verge of being isolated. And the third, well she is either just way shut down, dishonest, or scared. In the end, they must face their hopes and fears, individually and with each other.

So, that's where I'm heading with this. I have five days and those words to wrap it up.

I quit my job to travel, write and drink beer. One and three are going great. Time to step up the writing for this novel.

How are you coming on your promises for 2011? 

The Thinning of the Veil

The Celtic Festival , Samhain (pronounced sow-in), approached soon. Commercially, this is the time of the popular Halloween celebration. Houses are decorated in orange and black colors with both playful and ghoulish themes. Children (and adults) dress up as their favorite characters, in alter egos costumes, or frightening attire and wander the streets in search of mischief or favors. This is the beginning of yet another marketing season with candy, cards, and decorations. While fall offers the most amazing color displays we trade it all for plastic, crepe, and chenille.

(Did you know that one quarter of all the candy purchased in the United States is for Halloween? That is the best time to get your Christmas supply, as well.)

Samhain has another significance. In ancient times, October 31^st marked the end of summer and the beginning of the New Year. This is the time in which the veil between the world of the living and dead is thinnest and allows those who have passed over to return (believed by some to cause trouble and damage crops). This time is also when priests, shamans, and intuitives are able to make predictions about the future. 

"Oyá" (c) Francisco Santos

Oyá, as the undergoddess of the Niger River, is the spirit of winds, lightning, and earthquakes – creating though chaos and destruction. She clears away the old to prepare for new growth. Oyá brings the winds of change of mind and memory. She gives you the courage to transform yourself. Her association with the marketplace offering shrewdness in commerce and exchange, and more specifically with the gates of cemeteries (as opposed to the entire underworld), reveals her in her aspect as facilitator of transition. 

Listening to the wind chimes, the rustling bamboo and whirls of leaves, I hear change happening. Watching greens become golden, red, burgundy, orange and brown, I see the shift from life to decay. Wood scented breezes share burning from fireplaces, open blaze, or chiminea. We light candles and hang decorative twinkling lights, to dispel the darkness. Our meals become warmer with soups and stews; as do our drinks – teas and toddies, hot chocolate and mulled wine. 

Today we are cooking a cream vegetable soup with new potatoes, mixed bell peppers, spinach, onion and cheese. We are enjoying warm cups of ginger, orange zinger teas, and nibbling on chia seed cookies.
 

Come Monday, October 31^st, we will move the ancestral altar outdoors. I honor the memory of those who have gone before me and passed beyond the veil. For me, this season is a purposeful opening of my heart to allow the flood of loving memories to wash over me, knowing that even in death I am not separated from those I hold dear. 

How are you welcoming and embracing this season of change?

Living By Default

Waiting to Be

My friend, on returning from Burning Man, commented that this world is referred to as “the default life.” This discussion follows the question of what it’s like to come home after an intense time away building community that is rich with expressed, accepted and welcome alternatives. Years ago, I spent three weeks each summer around the August full moon at the Michigan Wymins Music Festival. The first year I attended the event and decided the following years to return as a “worker.” Festival workers arrive before opening to prepare the land, establish space and set up the facilities that will eventually receive up to 30,000 women and children. They stay after the event to return the land to herself – removing all evidence of occupation (except a few bend limbs).

This is three weeks of living in tents, wandering fields and lanes, day and night in what felt like complete safety. We lived in a world that catered to our being free to express our inner natures - which may have had to wait an entire year. What happened in Michigan, stayed in Michigan, for many.  We lived and loved openly and carefree. Then, after running, roaming, frolicking, laughing, playing, and dancing naked in the moonlight, we broke camp, loaded out cars, put on our bras and prepared for the drives or flights back… 

Back home, to our default lives, to reality.  No, not reality, for we had just left reality. The reality is that we are all loving, open, free beings longing for full expression.  The greater, more immediate reality is that we have only one life to live. This is not a trial, not a test run, and not plan A. 

And with each day's awakening we are given another opportunity to be. Why not live with passion, love, joy and abandon? How long will we settle for how things have always been, hoping that by magic they will get better? Yes, time does change things. Time offers perspective, but we will have to choose to change.

So, do what you love. They say the money will follow, maybe it will, maybe it will even catch up. Would you rather be happy and living a life of joy, or counting cash? Are you willing to keep saving for the rainy day while sitting in a downpour of sadness? Can you imagine living those retirement dreams now while you have the strength and energy to pull it off? How long will we keep putting off living, hoping that our day will come?

Do what you love. Love what you do. Be who you are. We will all be better off when you are happy.

Sat Nam

90 days - Three Months - 12 weeks

“Change isn’t easy, Micky. Changing the way you live means changing how you think. Changing how you think means changing what you believe about life. That’s hard, sweetie. When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change, because the misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable.”

That passage comes from a recent Dean Koontz novel I am reading. Amazing how the Universe is always speaking to us. A song here, poem there. Maybe a billboard with an announcement, quote or picture. If we are open to direction and willing to shift our perspective, we will find the support we need to live our lives filled with joy, passion and love.

Today is ninety days and counting. There are moments I am so excited and others I feel pounded by criticism. I have made this decision before – twice, and each time I was met with intense, overwhelming massive fear from those around me. Not that is was any of their business. They were neither feeding, financing nor f*cking me. Just meddling and worrying for the sake of it.  It’s the letting go of those memories that will serve me best today.

I have reworked my finances, some more. Today there are a few expenses that may be considered luxuries that I intend to maintain as long as I can. 

Netflix: I will switch to streaming only which will cost less than $10 a month.

Cable/Internet: the cost of separating is absorbed in the additional charge for not having cable. I may rethink this later, but for now it cost $55.

Android phone: I am thankful to have unlimited data, text and plenty of minutes for $70. While I could switch to a less expensive plan, this is my only phone and serves as my music player, Kindle, and mobile internet connection. I love it!

Downloading music: just for a few more months I plan to keep my plan. It cost $12 a month and I can easily suspend it if necessary. I have several streaming options, but for today, it stays.

Living stress-free means living free of debt. I am committed to limit the use of credit to petro and it means paying at the pump and NO temptation inside the store. As I was preparing to install a new faucet, I found that the repair was simple and free, so returned the new faucet to the store and the refund applied to my credit card.

For the last two weeks I have spend only cash for my groceries and made do with what is in the house. Yesterday I baked muffins for work. I needed to use up some goods that I bought, but do not eat myself. As I clear out my pantry I will be able to plan meals and shopping more effectively. I also get to be creative with what there is.

I am reworking the 4T Program (Tithing your Time, Talent and Treasure for Prosperity and The Fullness of Life).  I have found this process of consciousness changing to be powerful and supportive in the past and return to it as I shift again. Even though the lessons are familiar, it is helpful to be reminded of the process and find tools to overcome obstacles, especially fear.

Money isn’t everything. We know that. Well, most of us know. This is bigger that income and budgets. These are the opportunities to redefine who we are – who I am. I have been daughter, sister, lover, mother, massage therapist, teacher, clerk, social worker, telephone operator, yogi, teacher some more, and some more. Those were not just my jobs, but sometimes, how I saw myself and presented myself to the world. As I rework the “I AM” of me, I release the roles, titles, and positions I have filled and open to all possibility. What I need most is the space to dream.  

“Re-examine all you have been told – dismiss what insults your soul” (Walt Whitman)

We must choose the re-examination before we can identify what must change.

May we be happier, healthier, and far more interesting.

Namaste