Bookmarks

I have lots of things that I just love – books, wines, especially meads, scotch, dark chocolates, note pads, journals, lotions, butters, bath gels, essential oils, calendars, catalog pages, and quotes.  I love to collect them, to look at them and to know that I have them.  Some things I use regularly, others I just save.  Sometimes I share what I have stored so I can make room for more.

The libations I display on an altar for both viewing and easy inventory.  It also makes it easy to receive the perfect gift.  No worries of running out, for as the supply gets low, it can be replaced.  My books I keep tucked in spaces where I read – in the car, in my purse, the bathroom and under my pillow in bed.  Anytime I a free moment, I read.  It is the same with journals and scraps of paper; everyday there are lists and notes – ideas, hopes and dreams. 

I am particular about the scents I wear.  I make every effort to design my own and apply them to my shower and moisturizing products.  I also like to make bath salts to share with friends and co-workers.  This is one of the ways I experience my creativity.

Sometimes I keep things as a place marker for what I desire.  I use list and pictures to vision my hopes and dreams.  I am willing to relax and allow life to carry me (in general).  I am also VERY comfortable holding on the things that have sometimes passed their usefulness (or my interest).

So, having said that last piece, I include people in the bookmark category. I started this note to get to this point.  I like some relationships because as long as I maintain them, I do not have to worry about filling that need.  It doesn’t really matter if they meet the need, they plug the leak. (I wanted to put “hole” in there but that seems so crass – true, maybe.)  I took a survey about relationships and I come across as secure and dismissing.  Even as I answered the questions I could see how the relationships I share are woefully inadequate for my perceived needs.  I am content to allow them to linger as they do not distract from my life.  In an ideal world, I want only relationships which enhance my life. 

I am enveloped by m belief that the true treasures in life are the relationships we build.  As such, I am not so willing to end a relationship what I am slightly pleased with.  It is more than possible that the issue lies equally with me – either my indecisiveness in re-establishing boundaries even if it means the end of said relationships, or showing up in a way that makes shared time and space more palatable.  My nonchalance must be quite bothersome, especially to those who actively seek engagement with me. 

I read an article on communication that says to treat everyone as a stranger.  That means I will approach each encounter free of expectation.  It effectively means I will be less pissed off that I have to explain the same things every single time I meet people.  The thing is, the reason I like to get to know people is that we get to share information about each other.  It would be nice if we were considerate enough to remember what we learned (or heard).  I understand that we might need to check in every now and again, but really, make an attempt to get it.

I am working this technique at work where teaching and re-teaching is a constant effort.  It seems as if there is no need to learn because I will be there to advise again, in fifteen minutes.  My commitment to shift my thinking is due entirely to job appreciation.  I am thankful to have work in a system where paper pushers are being made redundant.  Most of my job duties and assignment have become electronic and are completed my providers.  The other reason is that my workplace has developed a “play nice program” in which they will be monitoring attitudes, and disciplining toward termination.  So, every day, I unpack my smile and attempt to be helpful as often as possible.  I acknowledge that this is an effort and I fall short at times.  These days, more often than not, I am successful.  It helps to think that I am excited to meet each person every night – anew.

My success is limited in my personal life.  Sometimes I miss the idea that I can be in a relationship with someone and actually share my life.  Other times I just let it go.  I know it looks like I’m not invested, but really it that I feel like it will make no difference what I say or how I feel.  I tire of endless arguments or discussions that seem to go nowhere. It‘s nice to have someone looking out for you, watching your back. But, at what cost?   I am past the sadness, disappointment, and let go of any expectations.  What I have left is a form of peaceful (meaning drama free) co-existence.

My life is full with my personal interest, my beautiful grand-daughter, my home and work.  My friends used to ask where I expected to include a romantic relationship.  My response was two hours here and two hours there.  After months of trying the daily thing, then the more days than not thing, we are back at a few hours here and there.  There are things I miss conceptually, but I so appreciate my peace and quiet, I just keep letting go. Letting go of my ideas, but not my hopes or dreams.  Instead, I preserve my relationships as bookmarks for what may be…