Travel. Write. Drink beer.

Six years ago, I started this blog. My job situation no longer served me. There was no draw to stay and I began the search for how to let go. Finding other fifty plus year olds who were willing to leave what they considered stability and security to wander the unknown was challenging. Lots of young people out exploring the world, making do with what is or comes, and willing
to take risks. It would seem that the wisdom of age would support going forth.

11.11.11, that's the day I walked away. Took a flight west for two weeks. Worked on my novel - NaMoWriMo. Watched ALL of Fraiser. Drank beer. I saw the city - San Fran and the Bay Area. I visited family and friends. I had a spa day and time at the beach. I had saved six months salary to commit to this process, to figure something out.

My plan was thwarted by the demands (then requests) from my family of origin to return "home" to tend the sick and dying. The question of my agreement is another post. I went and spend the next six months traveling between my home and theirs, sometimes daily. Maybe I wasn't specific enough about the travel plan. I drained my savings, sold any valuables worth a hundred or more, lived more simply. I made do.

Then I got a call from an old work mate asking me to come to work for her company. And so began the ridiculous saga that finally ends this weekend. My new freedom date becomes 11.06.17. I wanted to leave sooner. I planned to move on. I shifted based on money. Then something happened and I knew I would not stay longer than the resignation requirement.

This time I have no six months living expenses in savings. No particular plan or even idea of what's next. I am open. I am attentive. In the meantime, I am off again, heading west. Instead of writing, I knit and have a daily photo plan. Still planning to drink beer.

I'm living life, around the curve.

Awakening on a Spiritual Path

My days are filled with work and wonder. Spring delivers bright breezy days, but little rain in my area. I plant, weed, mulch and water acknowledging my gratitude for the time and energy to live so freely and clearly.

I have returned to work - part-time, this month, and find that I have little attention for writing. My thoughts are occupied with the past and my family of origin. I still make that journey home at least twice a month. It is a world filled with expectations and ideas that did not need my needs and thus, I have not fulfilled. In my contentment I travel to a place that challenges the essence of who I say I am.

This family values worldly accomplishments over inner peace. Money over values. Possessions rather than love. However, the siblings who earn the big money, are featured in Money Magazine and headed to Oslo for new jobs are not the ones who show up when crisis calls or there is work to be done. It is not their absence that affronts me, but the admiration for their public assent that astonishes. Since this is not new revelation, I merely acknowledge what are now very old feelings and find my place in that moment.

I sat at the window and listened to the breeze move though the trees. I counted six varying bird calls. I smelled honey in the air. My coffee fresh and hot accompanies my novel and I follow the detective into the Moors. My only happy childhood memories are of spring with its sights and sounds. The house felt empty and quiet and at peace.

Acknowledgements of a Spiritual Shift

• I allow life to carry me, rather than trying to make things happen.
• I smile easily.
• I feel connected to everything and everyone, without exception.
• I live in gratitude.
• I think in the present moment and act from Now rather than from my patterns of hurt and distress.
• Worry is absent. Guilt dissolved.
• Conflict has lost its attraction.
• I release myself from my opinions about what others have done. It is none of my business what they think of me.
• I judge myself and others less.
• I forgive us all.
• I love as an act of giving.
• I say what I mean. I mean what I say. I do what I say I am going to do.

Live. Love. Laugh. Often!

Common Ground – less than 60 days

Mom's Football Clinic - Hickman High School 

As these days pass, and I prepare for my separation from my current assignment, I have been practicing placing more attention on how I show up and what I have left to offer. These nights I find that I am more tired than I remember being in the recent past. Some nights are absolutely exhausting – both the long dragging moments and the attitudes I must face each shift. And yes, I must face them. Sad, hurtful, angry, disparaging words are uttered almost constantly. My prayer is that each person will open to the lesson they need to learn from their experience and travel on – including me.

How do I bless those who are so unkind and leave them to their own paths?  How do I let go on any need to shift the energy, yet remain committed to peace in my heart and life? What do I have left to share?

We all want to love, be loved and feel that we matter. I know I do. Once I interviewed for a position and when they asked what my previous employers would say about me, I stated that they would say they loved me. Yes, I am dependable, reliable, accountable, supportive, committed and available, but more than that, I am loveable. I have worked in spaces where I absolutely loved my work, my job, and the people I shared time with. And they loved me. And I knew so. And I remember. It mattered and I mattered.

How can I show my co-workers that they matter? It not only matters what they do, but they matter as humans, and we are here in a shared experience?

It’s not that there haven’t been all manner of schemes devised to convey this point, but it does not come across as genuine. Even the staff morale committee struggles to keep members. Why? Because, in general, we do not believe we matter. We feel as though we are interchangeable disposable cogs in a wheel. Even the highly paid licensed staff are worked beyond capacity, with mandatory overages, little relief, and absolutely no consideration for personal or professional exhaustion. Some nights when I watch them struggle I understand even more deeply that there is just little left to care for themselves. Some manage, but most fall far afield. 

On most nights, for much of the shift, I feel as if I do not matter. I know there are tasks that I complete that if I were not there would have to be tended by the licensed staff, and that my presence is a convenience to the process, but really, not me. It is not me that matters. If I were gone, someone else would step in and continue on. Sadly, it’s not personal. Or perhaps, thankfully, we are all equally mistreated. The entire situation is less than encouraging. Fortunately, there are those who remain committed to offering and holding out their best for the patients and families we serve. And this is service work. 

In response to my questions, I decided to offer more service to my co-workers, patients, and their families. I choose to offer a “Yes.” whenever possible and to respond to each request as fully as possible. This approach is different as in the past I have deferred to the staff responsible for completing a task. Now, if I am able, I do it myself. 

I can’t imagine that I do not matter. I have no space in my understanding for the idea, regardless of the feelings. And the reality is that I do matter. When I returned from my vacation, several staff stated that they missed me. I was surprised. I thanked them for sharing that they noticed my absence. This is a gem of blessing, an opening for me to notice that there are a few I will carry with me when I leave – in my heart, if not personally.

Some nights I feel transformation taking  place. I honor the changes and hold to my knowing. I am ready to move on. I am clear that the path is open and no design has been laid. I thought I could see at least an inkling of what might be next but the more I try to shape up a plan, the more information I receive to just let go and be. The moments of fear are gentler and pass quickly. Sometimes the panic of societal lies (What if…?  How will you…? How can you?), the songs of insecurity, the grasp of stability, jingle in my brain, but I remember that I  get to live my life fully and freely regardless of other people’s nay saying and fears. Besides, as I step out into the unknown I show it is safe for others to do the same.

If you feel froggy, jump! (Thanks, Dad!)

A gift of anger

In imagining we don’t expect to see gifts come from another’s anger. Don’t expect them and don’t look for them.  If we have moved past the fear of another’s anger, we may just tolerate the outburst, attempt to sooth them in their distress, or even send them packing to another space – be it a room in the house, with friends, to a therapist, or the bar. 

In general, we rarely look closely at what the offering may be. I have found that when people get really anger they lose their inhibitions, relax the censors, and finally speak the truth. When the niceness slips away and the teeth are bared you can actually see what you are working with.  And as long as we stay out of fear, we can see. We can watch as another moves into hurt and vulnerability, as they expose the innermost parts. Perhaps, we can even remember that we love them. 

Of course this means that only one person can be angry at a time, and that the angry person has the full attention of the other. Given clear and present attention to express our feelings, we can deplete the rush of anger and share our deepest fears. 

The gift is truth. It is the opportunity to come to understanding. It is clarity. And more often than not, it is access to the answers we have been seeking that may have been hidden or ignored. It is the chance to express our humanness and our divinity as well. The gift is learning to be with what is, and noticing that it is not anger.

I once shared two homes – one with my children, another with my lover. We have been apart (as in broken up) since the end of the Lenten season. During that spiritual processing rather than growing closer, we grew even farther apart. So far in fact, that there was little to entangle me any longer. Even in this state we have continued to text, visit, and occasionally spend the day together. And as I shared a space, I had LOTS of STUFF there. In all the diligent work I am doing to rid my person home of excess, I remember in the back of my mind that I have a massive amount to sort through there as well. So, I thought I would get this (my personal home) together and slowly, very slowly gather a few of my things at a time.

We have seemed on friendly terms, so imagine my surprise when I arrive for a scheduled visit to find that all my belongings have been removed from the shelves. Yes, of course, I expected that some day they would be gone and had offered that my belongings could be left on the deck. But this was out of the blue. We had been texting the last few days with no mention of this process.

The explanation was that in anger all my belongings were collected and bagged. The End. No thought as to what would happen next.  Lots of BMW (bitching, whining, and moaning) later and here it is, “If you won’t be who and what I want you to be for me, then to hell with you.”) Fine. That’s what breaking up looks like, but really, we are months behind being apart. No matter. I gather my stuff and leave.

Now I have a car full of even more stuff that I really love. I brought home empty box and decided to leave outside those items I am willing to release. They will be ready for the garage sale in two weeks. Other things will have to wait a bit as I think about space.  I am working to be free of clutter and it’s hard to tell the difference between really cool stuff you love and things to release when the house is full up.

In this reclamation process, I found my eye glasses. I have a wonderful large mirror which will go upstairs. I have my espresso coffee pot, back. I wanted to bake and was running low on supplies. They were all returned. My tea collection has greatly increased. Yet, more I will not have to replace so soon. Books, books, and even more books. My grand-daughter will have more toys and as she has not seen them since spring, they will be new again. Plus, even more toys to give away. 

Initially, I was hurt by the space being emptied of my presence, especially in the face of proclamations of undying love. With those words I charged that there was nothing left for my comfort. Finally, I acknowledged that I was not actually coming back to visit, so there was no need to maintain a presence there. In this way, the outburst of anger moved me in a place I had been dragging my feet. I both needed to get my things (because I wanted them) out of the space and to prepare for the next movement in my life. 

There were some things that were not included. I now release them. Some were gifts. Others perhaps fit so well into the décor they were not recognized as my contribution. While I notice their absence from my personal home, I am willing to manage without them. 

I am blessed to have more than I need, and I am thankful. From this abundance I live and share and grow. 

May you find your heart open and your attention free.

And may you notice the lessons wherever and however they are offered.

I got half-a-dozen paintings from that shattered plate.

                                                                   Georgia O'Keeffe

Day 96

100 days and counting

I choose to start my process of shifting toward a happier, healthier and more interesting life with a New Moon Fast. The theory is that one begins the fast with the first 24 hours of the New Moon, taking in only water and fruit juice. Fasting during the syzygies of the moon allows the lunar gravitational pull to assist in the detoxification process, jumpstarting the removal of toxins from the body.  This worked well as my time began on Saturday and I had been up the night before working. I enjoyed my morning yogurt and lunch then took a nap for the mid-day. When I woke I wasn’t hungry; this not my normal meal time. Thankfully, come the morning I was ready to enjoy my water and juice. The afternoon would bring lunch soon enough.

My big excitement for this time was to begin harvest of my potatoes. I have all those buckets I planted in hopes of feeding my world. I turned the first bucket to dump only a small cluster of Yukon Gold. Few. Not at all what I was expecting. The potatoes that grew had done so in the soil rather than continuing into the straw, which was to be my clean harvest. Next bucket, same find. I continued through four, total and then decided the others could wait until later in August. I replanted the tubers with buds back in an empty bucket and filled it with straw and soil. Second chances all around.

After soaking and washing my harvest, I sliced the Yukon Gold with onions, fresh garlic and green peppers and placed them to cook in the crock pot for the morning. The Red Kennebec I cooked and made potato salad. Both dishes are incredibly excellent. Whatever distress I felt about the size of the harvest has dissipated with the finished product. Next year we will just clean the soil from the crop and go for a full bucket.

I am rethinking my finances. For the most part, I have to give up shopping as a hobby. And I shop for a hobby – just for fun. I think everything I buy is terribly important and that’s the issue.  I was restocking the bathroom tissue and noticed I am down to my last eight rolls. Singles – I have no multi-pack left. Actual physical panic arose. I began to make a list of the supplies that are running low when I remembered that I am committed to spending less. If I want to leave my job on the decided date, no matter what, I will have to let go of my compulsion to keep my home stocked to the hilt.

Then while I was resting before work, reading, feeling amazed by the writing and the story, I rolled over and saw a note on my phone.  “Buy me this!” I leave these notes for myself so I can remember to buy things when I get home. Sometimes I find a deal that I don’t have time to purchase at work so I use a piece of colored tape as a cue. I jumped out of bed, went directly to my computer and began working on the order. I edited the cart a few times. As I was ready to pay I remembered that I didn’t need yet another whatcamacallit.  Good grief! I closed the browser, left the room and returned to my book. See, it’s an issue.

This is not about saving. It’s about not spending. I made a healthcare choice outside of my budget and now have to pay for it (credit card). I thought I had a decent handle on my finances and my debt, but with my last bill I see I was living in a bit of delusion. Nothing left to do but crawl out of this hole. I will use the money I am not spending as steps into the light.

Living debt free means I can mange my life on $12K a year. The rest is gravy. Getting there is my goal. The figure means absolutely ZERO DEBT. There will be no minimum payments. I will step up to the plate of delayed gratification, some more. I imagine I can find work to bring in that level of earnings and more. This next journey is toward finding what feeds my soul while maintaining my physical well-being. Until then, I have some feelings to move through – feelings around having enough, managing with what I already have and noticing that more will always come.

Each day, with its new opportunities, brings deeper joy and clear vision toward a purposeful life.

100 days… to Imagine, Dream, and Believe

I have purposed in my heart/mind to leave my current job by 15 November 2011. Toward that end I am focused on drawing into my life new and exciting ways to show up happier, healthier and far more interesting – and financially support my joy and passions.

Even though I pen these thoughts today, the new moon, a time of deep seeding begins on July 30. I have been consistent in my consideration of what may come, but will count the 100 days from the new moon. One hundred days of change and evolution, opening and receiving, growing and expanding.

This is my documentation of the journey.

To date, I have begun learning the Gayatri Mantra. I have considered it before, but hearing it repeatedly during the opening of Battlestar Galactica stimulated my research and drawing back. This mantra is considered the mother of all mantras providing hope, enlightenment, and protection. It is chanted morning, at noon, and evening. There are those who chant it continually as hope for healing the world. I am committed to chanting as often as possible.

The Gayatri Mantra

Om

át savitúr váreṇyaṃ

bhárgo devásya dhīmahi

dhíyo yó naḥ pracodáyāt

Translated:

We meditate on the transcendental Glory of the Deity Supreme, who is inside the heart of the earth, inside the life of the sky and inside the soul of Heaven.  May She stimulate and illuminate our minds.

I am returning to a daily yoga practice, without excuse or exception, for we are never too old, too tired, too sick, or too busy to find and focus on our breath, rest in the present moment, open to all possibility and be. Having cleared a space in my home, I roll out my mat, face east and open to illumination. This was most immediately prompted by a shift the healing of my body. I seemed to be getting better for some weeks only to have relapsed into more pain. It occurred (as in “Ah ha!”) that I needed more regular time on my mat, breathing and releasing. And so, I stepped up.

I am considering more creative ways to earn money, reworking my budget, considering what jobs I will consider and why (money is not enough). I am rethinking what I need versus what I desire. When I “feel” I need something, I imagine other ways of getting that need met. I spend every dollar as though it matters. It does.

To save money, I will place my membership to purchase music on hold and enjoy my free subscription to the latest rave for the six month intro period, along with my other favorite streaming site. I already own plenty of music to keep me satisfied for months and there is plenty of free music to download, as well.

Today I decided to sell some of my gadgets and gismos. I have had a tendency to buy nifty stuff and now own a Chi Machine, Shiatsu Massager, Acupressure mat, and more. I imagine there is someone locally who would love to try these products for less than the retail price. Craigslist, here I come.

When we desire something new, we must make space for it. I am clearing a path for greater expression of who I am. I must remove the clutter. Sometimes there are deep feeling associated with the shift, and then there are moments when I am certain of the next step. In my certainty I move, immediately.

I give in Love because I love to give. Giving to others, whether time, talent, or treasure, keeps us connected both to the human and Divine nature of us all. “Give and it shall be given to you- good measure, shaken down, and pressed together.” This is both dictate and promise. As we share that which we have been given we are reminded that we are mere vessels, channels, and conduits. We are not the storehouse. We all came here naked and empty handed. We will leave the same. While we wander this path, let us take notice of each other, extending beyond fear, and reach for the Light within.

Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for change. (Johann Wolfgang van Goethe)

I am preparing for change.

I am open to change.

I recognize the growth potential in change.

Yours on the journey,

Maria