Give Out!

That's a knit and crochet donation from the fall. Knitting is my new passion. I learned to knit in May this year and pick my needles up daily to create beauty and ease my mind.

I've been working this 40 hour weekend gig and keeping my grand-daughters Monday - Thursday. It is busy. Busier than I ever wanted to be. I take frequent down moments, but as much as I want to claim I let go, the truth is I hold on tight.

Over the past two months I have been so intense, uptight, and bent out of shape that my back gave out. I thought I was working on it. By the time the pain started I was steeped in the pissoffedness of the situation(s). Finally, Friday, I could not get out of bed.

A visit to the chiropractor granted we the weekend off and bed rest with ice. I can't remember the last time I had so much time to myself for myself. Thank you G!d.

I'm going back next weekend. I was working on a new attitude. It is even more important now. This is all about me. The following weekend I will be on vacation. We have great movement plans - lots of walking in the city. Urban cardio...

As I lay on my pilates table, I realized my pelvis has tightened into a forward tilt, effectively spilling my energy out. My focus will be to bring my mind, body, and spirit back into balance. To set the bowl upright again. I have over shared. I am give out. These days at home are time for me to reassess my choices of how and when I give.

Here are some of the pretties I knit since May -

Modest Adjustments

In 1977, I left home wearing a long-line bra, brief style panties, undershirt, panty hose, panty girdle, slip, and a dress with fitted bodice (tie in back), Peter Pan collar, and three-quarter length sleeves (cuffed) that covered my body from suprasternal notch to eight inches below my knees. Not quite midi and far from maxi. Because that was the prevailing style in my wardrobe and because I had only five dollars a month to cover necessities, and because that was the way I was raised, I was modest.

Various styles of modesty from religious perspective

 One day I got a job, and bought some clothes. While away from home, I wore tight, form-fitting, figure flattering jeans and tops. I worked out. I learned to swim (in my homemade suit of polyester knit lined with a poly-cotton blend and measured below my knees). I ran, with a man, for the first time in my life. "Ran" as in both feet off the ground, not "floozie".

When I returned home, I covered up. Turns out if your bra is visible, you are naked. If your legs are bare, you are naked. If you're not wearing a slip, you are a tramp - just asking for it. I bought a half slip, and a jacket. My legs stayed bare. I had given up pantyhose.

As the years progressed, I gave up more and more clothing, until I was running through the woods hollering, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" After a bold taste of freedom, it is a rough road to confinement.

Yet, here I am. Rethinking modesty. Noticing a delight in being covered, protected. I have the image of the tents and cloths we lay over food at a picnic to keep the flies out. Years ago, I decided my deepest desire was to be a bearer of the light and to attract other light bearers into my life. I have gathered a lot of moths around. They are charmed by the light even if it leads to their ultimate demise.

My closet is filled with clothes that are less supportive of my rethinking than I had hoped. I have three long shirts with three-quarter length cuffed sleeves, a couple of knit tops that will work with a scarf at the neck, and a shrug. I need more choices, especially since I splurged and bought this most fab open neck, chest, back tunic that I have wanted for years.

Watching All American Muslim clips, I saw one woman wearing a shirt like mine with a pullover underneath. That could work. I get to wear the bright flowing colors and maintain my level of modesty. This is an interesting take on the various choices of practicing modesty, or not. The stories on Breaking Amish as just as diverse and varied. One of the interesting factors is that in Breaking Amish, even as the characters travel they are connected to other Amish from all over the country. I understand the feeling that you can't get away from the "opinions" of those who know where you come from.

I am finding my way. My own way. I bought three thin long sleeve tops and another pair of leggings. I already own long silk and rayon flowing skirts. I have wandered the streets with my skirts rising and falling in the breeze, brushing against my naked skin. It will be strange as I miss that sensation.

What does it matter?

We come into the world naked. When we are left to choose, we cover to the level of our comfort. When rules are imposed, we long to rebel. There comes a day when we can choose again. I can choose to run nekkid in the woods, sun freely on the cliffs, share with all creation what G-d gave me. Having walked that path and thoroughly enjoyed the experience, I choose to cover. Today I choose modesty.

Modesty is always beautiful. - G.K. Chesterton

I am taking back what's mine from the fantasy of being yours.

Still on the journey...

Namaste

Changing Womin

Tomorrow I am going to see my family physician for my yearly exam.  I have put it off so long I am nearly to the new year this time.  I meant to get there a bit earlier, but insisted on an early morning appointment so I can get to sleep as soon as possible before I have to be up and out again.  In general, I am completely comfortable going to see her.  We have a few differences of opinion but have managed to move though them gracefully.  This year, however, I need some specific assistance.  I am on the menopause journey.  It has been at least four months since my last period, and it was hit and miss the months prior since the beginning of 2010.  There are years to go in the process, but lately my life has been entirely too intense. So, I plan to address the symptoms I experience and get some support in the process.

I have been living with hot flashes for years and have adjusted by lowering the temperature, wearing layered clothing, taking deep breaths, yoga practice and techniques, exercising, fanning, drinking cool drinks, and getting undressed. 

I remember my first hot flash.  It seemed to last forever.  As I slept, I dreamed I was inside a burning house; I realized the fire was inside me.  I was an oven, cooking myself, inside out.  Then came the volcanic sweats.  First I thought I had bugs crawling on me, but actually they were rivulets of sweat streaming and dripping down my body as I slept.  This has led to serious sleep disturbance.  I fall asleep in my absolutely delightful bed only to awaken on fire or drenched.  Even in the deep cold of winter I sleep with the window cracked, keeping my room at a cool 52 degrees.  As the heat rises I pull the covers off my body, and have found if I lift my arm up and rotate my wrist I feel some relief.  Of course, now I am awake, really awake, and must start the sleep process again.  I am sad to report I wake every hour or so.  I need help, for sure.

As if my sleep time were not tense enough, during the day my feet have taken to pain with aching in the actual bones and last weekend my heels hurt so badly I could barely put my feet down to walk.  I "raced" to the next store to buy insoles and inserts.  I am happy to report that they worked immediately.  I am incredibly thankful.  We continued our shopping and enjoyed the remainder of the day.  I spend my weekends chasing a three year old.  There is no time to exhaustion or pain.

There are plenty of list of menopause symptoms along with various methods of treatment, but I think I will share some I use that are not listed in mainstream materials, along with some of those I prefer to ignore.  Let's get those out first.

My basic food groups include chocolate, alcohol, coffee, tomatoes, spinach, whole grains, high fiber foods, and carbohydrates.  Various remedies seem to want to exclude a few of those.  I believe in living well and that includes necessities and indulgences. 

Breathing is a necessity. Breathing is the basic element of being awake, alive, and aware.  I have found breathing allows me to relax during a hot flash and actually move through it from beginning to end.  They are not shortened, but at least I recognize the passing.   And while I deny feeling irritable, or having bad moods, I spend a good deal of time exhaling through trying moments. I have a lot of trying moments these days. 

“Learn how to exhale; the inhale will take care of itself.”  Carla Meluci Ardito

Yoga has been and remains a powerful part of my life. Yoga is the union of mind, body and breath allowing us to find ourselves in the present moment, in our bodies, aware of ourselves.  Sometimes I practice a specific set of poses, but always I find the standing, forward bend, back bend, side openers, hip openers, child's pose, inversion (downward facing dog, rabbit, or candle) and of course, corpse - the final letting go.  Whether I need to shift my mood, some physical discomfort or perspective, yoga offers a path toward change.  Once I believed I needed a regimen, style or pattern.  Now, I accept I need only be present with my intention to be.

I practice self care.  Self care seems to be neglected, left as an afterthought, or relegated to special occasions.  Self care can be anything that lifts one's heart - massage, pedicure, hot baths, facials, reading for pleasure, writing, crafts, walks, sauna, exhaling.  As my body changes, I recognize I need to be proactive in feeling well rather than expecting things to just go well. I am thankful to have been gifted with healthy hair and skin.   Other than stress induced eczema, I have soft, smooth, pliable skin.  As a good stewart, I am thoughtful about what I apply to my body and make sure I am fed well inside and out.  The skin is the largest organ of the body and as such deserves to be fed the yummiest delights we can find.  Even for the frugal, a nice slathering of coconut oil, available from your grocer will delight your body.  If you are concerned about the smell or oil, apply before a shower or bath as a gentle massage.  Oils, lotions, and creams (free of petroleum products) will prevent excess drying and maintain skin health.

No matter where we are in the growing, shifting, aging process we need to maintain our spiritual health as well.  This may be a simple as setting aside time to exhale, find the breath, and recognize the present moment.  We may also choose prayer, meditation or celebration with others. However we choose check-in with our life essence, we recognize life as a gift (for as long as we have it).

Oh, yes, there are herbs and vitamins, supplements and medicines, techniques and therapies, all designed to ease the symptoms of a naturally occurring process.  What I want most is to find my own beauty in the journey.  There are moments I feel powerful and more alive than ever.  When I workout and the sweat is the result of effort - hard work - I smile.  I listen to my music and go just a bit farther.  When I play with my grand-daughter, lifting, bouncing, chasing, crawling about, I am thankful for freedom of movement and the strength in my body. 

All the more reason to sort out the discomfort.  I have plenty of dancing years ahead.  Plenty of time and desire for the joys of life.  It's early yet.  Menopause ushers in a womin's expansion and not just around her hips and middle.  Life gets bigger with new choices and opportunities.  My children are adults and I look forward to traveling and sharing the world with them.  Who has time to for delays and setbacks?  I'm here for the party. 
Happy New Year!