Lenten Reflections 2015

These are the April flowers of my world. My tulips will all open within the next week then begin their fade. It is imperative that I stay in this moment if I have any hope of enjoyment or pleasure from their appearance. And I do.

Thankfully, there are directed moments in my life so that I rise early, leave the house, and make a slow traverse on return. I have built-in time to "smell the roses."

Over these last forty odd days, I have reviewed my obsessions, quirks and whims. They are many. Sometimes I was overwhelmed at just how out of sorts some areas of my life have become. Forget the pretense of having it all together. It is just shoved into piles as I kick a path through my day.

This year, for the Lenten Season, I committed to letting go of my indulgence around purchasing yarn and alcohol - liquor specifically. The issue was not doing without, but rather, delaying the purchase of more. For even as I can display the vast enoughness of plenty, I have a deep abiding urge to get more, more, more.

I faced and addressed my feelings as I completed a crochet project from my adequate yarn stash. What longing lies beneath the need for more yarn? Same issue as I poured a shot of whiskey. In my angst, I will delay drinking the last corner, waiting until the bottle can be replaced. I want more. The truth is, always has been, I have enough.

Owning the enoughness of life challenges the need for more. There was enough yarn to complete the project. I have enough whiskey for this drink. And the biggest unmentioned issue, I earn enough money to give, save, and pay my bills. What more can I ask for? While you may ask for more, I am happy, content, and joyful with enough.

All around my space, I have posted reminders to embrace enough. This Lenten Season honed my focus, not just on enough, but on the areas where I have obsessively gathered too much. Not only must I let go of grasping for more, but also release my grasp of what I have.

Spring urges the energy from the bulbs for leaves and flowers. Holding on means stagnation, rotting, and death. I am inspired by giving and letting go knowing that I am part of the reciprocity cycle. The more you give, the more is given to you.

Blessed be!

Happy New Year!

I have arrived! 2013!

And you, are you fully in this moment?

I thought I was. Wrong! I have been struggling with how things once were and how they are so not what I planned and how I have shown up, put out, held on, sacrificed, ached, cried, and bled for ... You name it - the cause, whatever that means.

Even though I have been absent from my blog, I have stayed committed to thinking, studying, considering and a frenzy of mental and emotional activity. I am intellectually productive and emotionally exhausted.

No matter where I've been, how I've felt, or what I've done, all things have conspired to bring me to Now. Finally, I release my resistance and agree to be here.

I have a long list of recommendations I want to offer so that you too can let go of what is holding you back from the present moment and the pure goodness - the okayness - of now. My last eye opener was the TV series Life on Mars (US). It's about a man who has an accident in 2008 and wakes up in 1973 with his memories intact. Besides the distress with displacement and disorientation, he is haunted by the memories of what was. One day he accepts that the present isn't so bad.

This is not a new journey for me. By now I have made over a dozen major shifts in my life. Some have found me more discombobulated than others, yet as I type, we are all aware that things have worked out fine - in fact, things are great. The fog of illusion distorts reality.

(My mantra) I quit my job to travel, drink beer, and write. That was 11.11.11. Wow! I just noticed that. I left for San Fran that day. I have returned almost every six months since - job or not. I drink less beer, by choice. I enjoy vodka and triple sec these days. I write.

Today I am working part-time two or three days a week. I have time for my grand-daughters and their friends. I am still editing that novel. I'm reaching the end of the process on general principle.

I pick up extra funds through surveys. Today I found twenty more sites to consider. I posted my review of the sites that pay me. Today's post is spurred by my excitement to investigate more ways of earning a living at home.

In reality, I have enough. However, DA and I are flying back to San Fran this spring. And, we are going to take a boat ride down the Mississippi, the Amtrak across the state, a day trip to the City Museum, and more. We will garden, cook, glue, and ferment.

I am looking at ways to finance the adventures of life. As I sort it out, I'll let you know. If you already know, please share your knowledge and experience with us.

May you be in good health and prosper!

Ashe

Too Much of a Good Thing

Food Should Taste Good

Check out that label. Generally, that's thought of as the good stuff. We don't all care about every symbol, but these folks have hooked up and turned on the neon "Go ahead, eat it all" sign.

In my home, there are lots of foods that meet that criteria. I cook and I love to eat. It works for me to only keep healthy snacks at home because I hear special whispers from brand name jalapeno potato chips. And I respond! Even if it means I have to travel to make the purchase.

But just because it looks good and taste good doesn't mean you can eat to your heart's or stomach's delight. Beyond moderation, some things you can only have one of.

Take black bean brownies, made with prunes (and black beans, of course).
That's a lot of fiber. Yummy chocolatey, smooth and creamy fiber. Fiber is good for you. Thirty-five grams a day will keep a body regulated. But enjoy too much and that smooth move will become a ragged run.

Then there's over sleeping. Some days I am still exhausted after seven hours. Without some commitment, I am likely to roll over and pass out for an additional two hours. When I oversleep, I actually start over. By the time I wake again I am groggy rather than refreshed and when I crawl out of bed I remember why I had planed to wake early. For those of us with joint pain, extra time immobile increased waking discomfort.

Too much water can mean urgent and immediate searches for toilets. Water is great for hydrating our bodies, but sometimes we have to plan for elimination, especially in conjunction with fiber. On the other hand, I hear that if you drink plenty of water before bedtime you are sure to wake. Stave off that fear of dying in your sleep.

Too much moments can be funny or distressing. We usually don't know we've had too much until it's too late. Tummy aches, aching bodies, embarrassing videos or annoying nicknames remind us of poor choices. On the other end of the spectrum, just enough seems also to come in retrospect.

We think back and realize that, yes, there was enough. We made time for what was important. It was tight, but we squeezed in where we fit. We were exhausted, but everything got done. Sure, we thought we needed more money, but we made do. When the priority is love, being connected is what matters most. In love, there is enough.

Life is busy. I write, but posting may be delayed by dreaming...

May your days be filled with love and laughter and countable moments of knowing enough.

Stuff

The process of change

In the past six months I have been taking a hard look at the amount of stuff I have in my space. I have recycled, reduced and reused much of what I have and still it is way too much. I had the garage sale, gave away bags, piles, and stacks. I posted some things on line and one even sold. Still, there is way too much. Finally, I will have to just donate the final bits and be done. There is no profit from hoarding just any old thing. I have too much.

On the other hand, I have a lot, more than enough. So much so, if you came to visit me and had a need, I could easily, willingly and openly offer to share with you. This is how I have always seen my life – that I would be a storehouse of information and necessities. Today, I do not believe I can offer that kind of generosity if I am focused on having only the minimum. Giving you my last shirt leaves me naked and seeking clothes.

Today the sales come out and will last through next Tuesday. There are several items which I don’t actually need myself, but are a fabulous buy at the sale price and I have a great coupon, making an even better deal. So between now and then I will head out to purchase those items. We are called to feed the hungry and clothe the naked. I plan to have the means to do so. 

I am a great shopper. That’s how I ended up with so much. I didn’t buy most of it, but learning to find a deal has served me well in the past. I am just in from the grocer to have found my coffee price increased sixty cents. In the past I would have bought four cans each month. I have a thing about running out. I also have a thing about paying way more money than I prefer. However, in this last hundred days I have been paring down, delaying shopping, using what I have. That style of shopping is likely to cost me in the long run. One might think that things even out in the end, but sometimes they don’t. If prices keep going up, I would prefer to have enough to last until I find a really good sale or a new supply. Not only coffee, but any items I am attached to having.

We’ve got to think things through for ourselves. We have to really decide if we are interested in living with less because we want to, believe we have to, or because we find it serves our lives to do so. What do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be happy. I plan to be happy. Being happy for me includes having my favoritist things around. I like lots of teas, espresso coffee, half and half, raw sugar, wine, chocolate, scotch, books, paper, pens, yarn, fabric, fuzzy blankets, my computer, smartphone, camera, earrings, and particular glasses from which to drink specific libations. 

I’m home now. Surrounded by my stuff. I feel welcome, relaxed, and at peace. When you come to visit, no matter how long your journey, we will kick a space clear for you and pour a cup of tea or glass of wine. You, too, may indulge in the abundance of my stuff. There is enough of everything for everyone – including you.

Falling leaves - 41 days

Begonias, bright and beautiful

Its fall and I love mums. I love new mums in the fall; new mums in pots on the porch and about the yard. But more than buying new plants, which would go a long way to soothe my heart/mind after the miserable night I just had, my deepest desire is to leave this job – and to do so, according to plan. 

More begonias, strong and full

It was another difficult night. It started incredibly bad. Even before I arrived things were in a state of upheaval. I thought I would just follow the plan that had been laid out without asking any questions. I am practicing going with the flow. I have to practice because my natural inclination is to question the process. At the time, it seemed the best plan to avoid conflicts and undue stress. I was wrong. Before we had even turned over charge of the desk I had already become embroiled in angst. Angst is the best word to describe the shouting, dismissive tones used to address me. While I perfectly understood that things were going downhill, I could feel even more deeply how very much I preferred to be elsewhere.

When I am doing as asked someone is mad and clear that they have a right to be rude, condescending and or dismissive toward me. When I make an attempt to find support or help for the customers we serve, the staff are angry that they have to do their jobs. When I mind my own business and stay clear of any process that is directly part of my job I am held accountable for not anticipating the needs of staff and meeting them. Most days I feel like I work for and with alcoholics - walking on eggshells because they are extremely sarcastic and defensive. 

Someone left their coffee cup in the drawer, full of coffee, upside down. Someone made a dish of crackers and broth and left powdered broth on a washcloth on the counter, crackers on the counter, and coffee spill everywhere. There was a towel on the floor. Why? I pick up, clean up, restock, tend, clear, pitch, and wipe. I’d like to post one of those signs that say, “I am not your mother. Clean up behind yourselves.” But the reality is there are signup sheets to clean up behind others.  Then I remember I get paid the same no matter what the task.  I do complain, but it makes no different; merely another opportunity to let go.

Pumpkin, waiting...

Temperatures and turning leaves are falling. Exiting the building these mornings I open to the changing seasons. September has faded away and in four weeks I begin the closing process. The anguish over flu vaccinations has quieted. Within I agree to hold my tongue. These days the most important thing on my mind is staying employed until I am ready to submit my resignation. 

I allow these nights, with their myriad challenges, to remind me of my priorities:

I appreciate the beauty around me.

I am thankful for the foundation I have lain and the abundance the blooms forth.

Fall berries on the vine

I recognize that I have more than enough and that all my needs are met.

I honor the lessons even in the most difficult situations.

I remain alert and aware of my surrounding.

I allow each person to follow their own path, just as I wish to follow mine.

I am thankful for each day with its blessings.

Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end.

Further along the journey…

Grief and gratitude are kindred souls, each pointing to the beauty of what is transient and given to us by grace.

Patricia Campbell Carlson
(Letter to a friend)