Transgressing Gender

Last week I made the commitment to and enjoyed the pleasure of hearing Kate Bornstein speak. Hir appearance was sponsored by the collegiate LGBTQIA organization. Hir talk was encouraging, inspiring, and enthusiastic while addressing the topics of sex, bullying and you.

Here are some of hir talking points from that evening:

• Our imaginations are in thrall to the institutions of oppression. (Minnie Bruce Pratt)
• The names we give ourselves must no longer bind us to a system that would rather see us dead.
• More than either/or, how can I fit in and help heal this world? 
• The Bully system demands that we make a choice: male/female, black/white, right/wrong, day/night, pink/blue, in/out, gay/straight. 
• Each movement has named itself within the confines of the very system it was bucking - the Women's Movement, Gay Activist, Bi-Sexual Movement, Trans-sexual/gender, intersexed, ftm, mtf, all too terrorized to call themselves something other than male or female. We are beyond LGBTQQIA.
• Gender Outlaws will remain outsiders. When they come we will be divided into the either/or. What cultural law are you breaking by just being who you are?
• How can we find some common ground? We hold these truths to be self evident, that all people have the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. The issue is that mythologies with more power bully the world. That makes it hard to coexist. Our pursuit of happiness doesn't count. When did we stop saying, "Have a lovely day."?
• By leaving no option for a outsiders to thrive, a bully culture engineers its own demise.
• We are still behaving like junior high adolescents - not really children, yet far from adulthood. We use our clicks and insecurities to bully others into compliance. Some pass (survive) by hiding, fading into the background, or acting as if. But what of those who can not pass? What of their right to pursue happiness?
• The responsibility of growing up is to give a helping hand to those who are a few bubbles off center. We need to include - radically welcome - everyone who is being oppressed.
• Binary systems of classification exist only in our imaginations. (Nature has more depth and breath.) Dream a good life for yourself. 
• Yet, so much of what we dream as a good life goes against God. What happens after you dies? Messing around with sex and gender can get you sent to hell.

• Here's your "Get Out of Hell Free" card. (Kate instructed the audience to pick one up at the table on the way out. In case we forgot or were negligent, they were passed out by ushers during the remainder of hir talk.) Kate spoke, "Live you life. Do good things. Be who you want to be, living and loving. Harm no one and be kind. If after a full and loving life, you die and wake up in hell, give the devil this card, or a reasonable facsimile, (Kate held the card up for the audience) and I will do your time for you. You see, I made a deal with the devil." 

 
Kate Bornstein is a Queer and Pleasant Danger. This is hir blog.  Take the quiz on gender. Challenge the dominate thinking. Open a discussion. End the silence that separates us. Live your dreams.

Surprise!

Not what I expected - Surprise!

Some people really like surprises. Me, I can do without. I’ve watched others dance with glee at the thought of a pending surprise. Me, I have a bad feeling about it all. Others live with a heightened sense of anticipation. Me, all I feel is dread. And when the moment arrives they are wet with excitement. I am just hoping I don’t really end up pissed off. For you see, while, “Surprise!” has fond and happy memories of others, for me it has meant that I was expected to accept and enjoy some situation, circumstance, event or thing which was not my desire, interest, or in my mind even a possible consideration.

“We have a surprise for you. You’re going to have a brother or sister.” I’m the eldest, so this one just kept happening all the way into my college years. This particular surprise shaped how my world looked to me, especially around getting my needs and desires met. It’s the surprise that replicates itself daily – forced sharing, endurance, and responsibility.

“Good morning. We have a surprise pop quiz, test, or other method to put you on the spot around facts, ideas, or thoughts I know better than you.” How much does this suck? The only way through is to have been studied up, be quite knowledgeable about the matter, or maintain a sense of apathy. Otherwise, there are usually groans, pouts and angst.

Surprise?!

“Please come to the office. Please see HR. Please gather your things.” Please becomes a scary word sometimes. I went to the office to find that the agency I worked for had lost the contract for services and could not maintain the current staffing level. That day was my last there. Surprise! I went to HR to find that I my contract was coming to an end two months early. I was sick. Surprise! And being told to gather your belonging, no matter how nicely, is rarely a good move, as in “You’re moving to a bigger office – Surprise!” Nope, that’s not what happened. Everything seemed to be going so well. Can’t we work this out differently?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” Well, no surprise there. The only surprise is that we lasted long enough for you to make that declaration.

Dating surprises have turned out especially poor – gifts or questionable thought, lies, misrepresentation, and half-truths, inconsistency in presentation and reality, and loads of cow poo. 

“Here, I found this on the side of the road. You like to collect stuff. I thought you could use it.” That’s my basic feeling for all items bought for me without due thought or consideration of who I am or how I live. The worst part is when I gear up and buy into the surprise aspect. 

I like to limit some surprises. I like to think through what might get in the way. Asking your date, partner, POA (person of affection) specific questions generally indicates that you want a specific answer. I’m asking now so I don’t have to be surprised later. Some things are just that important – gender, gender preference, relationship status, etc. If there is something to hide, reply with either I prefer not to share or none of your business, so I can move on. I am past the excitement of the supposed ex banging on my door, shouting to the world that I let her lover, partner, POA out. This web of deceit was wound by another. They are free to leave, as in, “Get out!”

So how am I going to stand waiting for my first meet up (now to be called a seriously vision impaired date) and watch the person approach with no idea as to their gender. “Surprise!” Not f*&$%^ fair! Just not. 

I planned my day – my time, energy and resources – around this experience. I shifted to make space. The big deal is that I put myself out there. And yes, I have a few expectations. I expect that my preferences be honored. I said what I was looking for and interested in. If that is not who you are, please do not think I will adjust after meeting you. Come on, even if a person could pass for quite a while and we found we were deeply interested in following a progressive course, at what point do the facts become clear (as in spoken). Where is the trust in a relationship with that depth of deceit?

This issue is not about being friends or having someone to share time with.  I expect my friends to be direct and honest with me. The word, “Surprise!” is not supposed to freak me out. Recognizing that we are each in our own space and time working out what works for us, it would still be nice if we considered the effects our work might have on others. 

There are great discussions on when people self-disclose intimate details of who they are. I have a great many transgender people in my life. I understand their struggle with meeting others and establishing relationships. But this is my side of the story.

What I want most is better sorting on dating sites – one that offers several gender identity and preference choices. We can still all contact one another, but we know from the beginning where we stand. Of course, people can still be deceptive, but if we choose to meet that’s a bit of information that carries forward. If I am meeting a liar, I can expect them to lie.

“Lets all indulge in a little truth in advertising. It begins with being honest about our purpose, and telling the truth, or at least not lying, about the important facts. Lets be proud of our age, tout our assets, and talk about what we want in a relationship. Using the right words to convey those things in a softer manner is fine and acceptable. But, valuing ourselves first and foremost means were bringing that honesty to a relationship.”

I am reminded of a time when I belonged to a community that asked its members to identify so that we might remain women born women. It became divisive and more exclusive than before. And while I could see the irrational nature of fear creeping into the process, I understood the essence of the need to maintain defined space. 

I believe I get to have my requests honored, even if the answer is, “No.” There is no use in pretending you can be what I desire when that is not who you really are. We are both cheated in the process. I have yet to find surprises that are sweet for that exact reason. The compulsion to fit into another’s ideas and standard at personal sacrifice is demeaning, deceitful, hurtful, inappropriate, and not at all useful. 

We are called to show up as our own wonderful selves. That job is challenge enough without trying to be someone else.