Traveling, Writing, and Drinking Beer

The walk that waits for me.

I've arrived at a new beginning - the start of a whole new era. I've left my jobs before, for varying reasons, and in the past have said that I intended to travel. Those were usually short physical trips, though the internal journeys were far reaching and sometimes filled with angst and challenge. The first time, as I sat contemplating the decision, I met a women who advised that I would not find the answer until I walked through the door. Sitting staring would leave me blank. I've been walking through doors ever since.

I forget how incredibly long the trip from the midwest to the west coast can be. Flying is much faster than driving, but still all those hours on the road and in airports can wear away at one's enthusiasm. I am thankful for traveling graces and a safe and uneventful arrival. Z! collected me at SFO and we returned to the Tenderloin by BART. I do love riding the rail system.

I love the city - the lights, the sights, the sounds. I have been returning here every six months, walking these same streets and still I find something new each visit. Last night exiting the BART at Powell I noticed a mall. Really? A mall entrance from the BART station. How had I missed that before? Z! commented that she didn't think I was a mall person, and I'm not, but malls have chocolate cake and that was my arrival priority.

Let me say we passed on the dessert offerings and selected pretzels and snacks instead. Poor choice. I felt especially disappointed as convenience foods in the city are VERY expensive. The food bar was $9.99 per pound. That does limit what one might pile on one's plate. Thankfully, we already had dinner plans and continued our way home. Next stop, Pakwan's. This is our favorite Indian restaurant. We had our usual meal of saag paneer, garlic naan, and vegetable samosa. (Pictures are missing this visit. Next time.)

Because we were sated from the mall stop or exhausted from our day we packed up the leftovers and headed home. Beer waited there. Yay! New to me, but enjoyment for Z! was Stocktop Belgium Spice. I introduced her to the Raspberry Wheat. Both excellent choices which I highly recommend.

I was so ready to collapse into oblivion and had to convince Z! not to watch the scary movie she had cued to play. Thankfully she chose Kevin Hart who was incredibly funny as I drifted from exhaustion to sleep. And there I stayed until her alarm sounded at 0400.

I am further thankful to have lazed delightfully in the hazy morning embraced by a cool breeze hunkered under warm bedcovers. I haven't written about the girls (in my novel) since I left St. Louis. I will take a rest and open to their world that I might be a more accurate witness and share their stories more fully.

I've reached 100 days. There was great surprise even as I walked out the door. This biggest came as they proclaimed how very much I would be missed, that they loved me, and that I was great. This was news to me. Well, not the "missing me" part. I have shown up as the person I am. I gave what I had to offer fully and easily. My word was to be trusted and I was dependable, reliable, and responsible. While I want way more than that on my tombstone, I know those characteristics make a good and memorable employee.

The rest of the story is that I am opinionated and likely to share. I believe in radical honesty and while I didn't practice it consistently I had a low tolerance for any forms of bullshit (including placating, brown nosing, acquiescing, or accommodating). To me that meant my word could be trusted. To others, well, lets just say they preferred a smile even as your teeth were brown. Being polite doesn't have to turn one into a liar, but the lines were blurred entirely too often for me.

It was hard to figure out what to say. There were a few people I will continue to share parts of my life with and the rest I will just let go. I have several stories left to tell that I have waited for my departure to even write. For that I am excited.

Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time. ~Miguel Angel Ruiz

Four Days Til Morning

When we make a commitment, all the forces of the universe gather to support our choice. I once believed that meant that everything would come along to remove the obstacles and smooth the path. I believed that landmarks and buoys would light the way and signal the next best move. That does happen, sometimes. However, what we really get is a constant check-in to see if this is really our deepest desire.

Are we prepared to stand in the resolution, or will we crumble with the first challenge? Is this our deepest desire or are we pandering to the ideas of another? Are we willing to commit to the process it takes to get where we say we want to go or will we grow weary and return to comfort?

There were some huge issues which drew my attention away from my presumed security and left me feeling as though I was dangling over a precipice. I am holding to the belief and understanding that each challenge is another opportunity for re-commitment not just to leaving my job, but maintaining my budget and learning to live with less.  

This morning investigating a stream of water rolling along the counter, I found the leak from my hot pot. Who knew that was even possible? It boils water. My first thought was to replace it, immediately. I use it every day- several times a day. Yes, I can make do without, but I really like the speed and efficiency for all hot water needs. (And that means less waste waiting for water to travel from the water heater to the sink.) On the other hand, do I really need tea in a hurry?

I had two hot pots. I gave the other one away. It was also brand new, but was the older version that was completely metal with the heating element sealed into its case. The one I kept, now defunct, is a modern version – plastic with a hot plate element in the bottom. As the water was leaking from beneath the pot I can only guess that the seal has eroded. Another modern upgrade turned to trash. (That’s why I have so much stuff. And why it gets hard to part with the extra. It might come in handy and some day is here.)

My draw is to replace the pot today, but I will take a while to feel its absence. Before I make the purchase, I will ask my neighbor if she has one to spare. I live without a sauce pan or stove. I can return to boiling water in the microwave while I consider my options. Is this something I am willing to live without?

Fall back!

This morning we rolled our clocks back. I am thankful for a wonderful night’s sleep and rest. My day ahead is full and after a day off from writing yesterday, I have several thousand words to find for today. The grrls (actually 50+ women) have met, enjoyed an evening together and just returned home from the Wymin’s Music Festival. Will they debrief in isolation or return to a waiting community?

Life is a daring adventure!

Here’s to the next best opportunity

My actual countdown calendar

It’s been a rough week here in corridors of my mind.. Monday I knew Thursday was coming. Tuesday I was so nauseous when it was time to leave for work, I thought I would have to call in sick. That’s two occurrences (though why do I care?) and then I would want to call in an extra night to make up for the penalty and I couldn’t do that because then I would miss Thursday morning. So, I drug my body to work and made numerous trips to the bathroom to splash with cold water. Thankfully I had bought some way too expensive crystallized ginger that morning and had it in my purse. (Ginger, soda crackers and cold wash clothes – great for nausea) I slept all day Wednesday, off and on. Wednesday night went well enough. I have some opinions about the night but am more interested in letting them go than psychoanalyzing my co-workers and their neuroses. Most of the morning I was merely waiting for the manager to come in. 

Then I was sick again. This time I was sure it was nerves. I wanted to shout, “HELP!!!” but to whom? And what exactly could anyone say to me? I have been on this road for the past three months. I am clear that I would rather spend my nights elsewhere. 

“This is the time of planting, visioning, digging deep to lay the foundation of dreams. There is no room for the faint hearted here. So, pull up your panties and let’s go!” I’m pretty good at self-talk though I wish there was someone who could… There I am, toes on the edge of the cliff, just a gentle wind and I will glide. And I do. I gathered my belongings, walked into the manager’s office and said, “Here is my two week notice.”

He said, “Oh, you don’t want to do that.” In the most insincere voice and style I could imagine. (I do not believe he was at all surprised, but then, I have taken to talking rather openly about leaving, so there.)

“What are you going to do?”

“Travel. Write. Spend time with my family.” But the real answer from now on will be, “Drink beer.”

The Universe applauds my journey. All good comes my way; I am open to receive good in my life.

Still… 

Toward Being Far More Interesting

Happier, Healthier, and Far More Interesting!

I decided not to wait until I am free from my current employment/financial obligations to get on with the life I long to live. I have great plans and now is the time to both prepare for the next step as well and practice living to the fullest. 

Here are a few of the shifts I have made so far: 

Pilates Classes

I’ve been going to my Pilates Reformer classes weekly for the past two months. It continues to be a great check in on my posture and form. However, this is a rather pricey option, so I decided to buy the Pilates Power Gym.  It allows me to continue my workouts at home with the information I learn each week. There are excellent infomercials that explain use and technique, so that even when I return to the studio I have a bit more understanding with which to approach movements. I enjoy the feedback of the instructor and being in the class setting. 

On a more personal note, I have revised my profile for Online Dating. Most of the interactions have been interesting, even if not really my cup of tea. I had the meet up previously discussed, another connection with whom I was talking on the phone for a bit and still another that I write or chat with on line. While not quite matches, they have made exploring the territory interesting.  This profile is almost four years old and only recently have I received any bites…

Here, where I live, I signed up as a Language Partner through the University Women’s Center. This program matches native English speakers with women new to the country and language. We have met twice. Kim is sweet and personable. We had a long delightful chat about who we are and our families. As much as she wants to meet to learn to speak and understand English better, I can imagine that life will be considerably easier for her as she learns the organization of the city. Her biggest complaint was that in this country we are always busy. There is so much driving everywhere; and she is required to cook, always – three meals a day. There are no places to find her native foods prepared to eat out or carry home. Sadly, as representative of the world as this city is, there are few shops that offer the “materials” necessary for them to replicate home. This is a style of forced homogenization. 

Leaving our meeting, I ran through the grocery store for a gift (black raspberry liqueur), almond butter, and flax seeds. What I found, in addition, was Celestial Seasoning Teas at 75% off. Great day in the morning! I now have a fabulous stock, plus lots to share. Could the day get any better?

I signed up for my six week Gym Membership. I had bought a special deal though one of those group coupons for my daughter, Z, who is visiting. She is excited about Body Pump to the tune of several classes a week. For the price they offered, it is worth the money even if she merely makes it to three classes, of any kind. I started my schedule with the sculpt class. It was actually quite nice. I forgot the nice thing about going to classes in the morning is that most of the people in class are older, retired, or stay at home partners. There is no pressure to perform, compete or judge. The instructor was upbeat and talkative, working out at the same time. And while I remember all the moves, I have been away for a very long time. I left class remembering how very much I used to love working out and feeling the thrill of the return.

Z and I attend the power yoga class on Wednesday afternoon and while I will not recommend it to anyone under any circumstances, I will return next week. The music was loud and fast. The room was dark. And the instructor zoomed through her vinyasa flow at sprint speed. Besides the fact that we could not see her or ourselves, we could not hear her most of the time and when we did, had no idea what she was talking about. She failed to call, cue correctly or identify the pose until after she reached and moved away from it. The starting point for her vinyasa slow was downward facing dog. She told us that before we started. She cues it as, “And up!” Lots of pushups and lounges with pulses. Thankfully, I learned power yoga from the originator – Bryan Kest . “All you need to do is breath, move, and sweat.” With that bit of knowledge and understanding, I accepted what I was available from her offering and remembered to be my own yogi. (Another thanks to Bryan.)

I am approaching the last three weeks and have committed to living each days more fully that the previous. There is no waiting for things to come together, fall in place, or be just so. Some day is now and we are called to be here. 

My life overflows with love, joy and happiness. The rest can fall to the wayside.

100 days - And Speaking of Default

I have a plan, always have had. The problem is, as the time draws nearer continuing the process feels worse; and some days I want the decision to be made for me. Well, not the decision to leave but the specifics of when. I have envisioned a couple of scenarios that I think would serve me - especially the vaccination mandate.

Now after all my to-do about showing up and saying what I mean and doing what I say I'm going to do, here I am waiting for the would-be ax to fall. Then low and behold I get to work and read  they have extended the deadline until December 2nd (from October 17th). There has been massive dissent and I imagine if a significant number of employees refusing or even delaying their flu shots could shut down the facility. So, they changed the time frame, maintaining the threat of suspension.

Employees are outraged. This,  over the flu vaccine. How is it we cannot organize around better working conditions and wages? We could collapse the class society, end inequities. That means a whole lot of people would have to be willing to feel uncomfortable and we are not a society interested in stepping outside of our zones of perceived comfort and security. We like our peek into the world of the disenfranchised isolated between the months of November and December. Even then we are not willing to take an introspective look at the waste and consumerism that plagues all of us, so that we are unable to save ourselves and only throw pittances at “the others.”

So here, I am called to step up, which means I get to print and submit my letter of resignation. I can’t wait around for them to fire me (for refusing the flu vaccine). And while I would like to act a donkey and give a serious accounting of my experience over the last three point four years, I am not that invested. I want a clean break and the freedom to move on. That means owning my decision and living my choice.

The countdown’s getting closer every day. Thank goodness!

Working the Budget - 34 days or else

Some nights I can barely work up the energy to prepare for work. I do, but the struggle is intense. By the time I finish my coffee and head out the door, I am in the groove. Then I arrive in the parking garage and the struggle begins, again. My latest motivational mantra is, “Working the budget. I am thankful for the opportunity to work tonight. I’m working the budget.” Moments arise when I feel like I could just walk out, except for my commitment to the budget. Budget says, “keep coming back - it works!” (Shout out NA.)

In these final days at work,  There is great discontent amongst the masses. It seems  enough for them  to bitch, whine, and moan about how things are. And in those exact moments it is even more necessary that I find a way to show up with the option to leave. I must hold the reality that the way in is also the way out. The only trap exist in mind. To be sure, I am certainly crabbier than I need be, especially as I have resolved to do something different. My current distress flows from both what I want (stuff) and what I need (freedom).

I must confess that with all the saving I have been proclaiming, I have made a few more purchases. I bought a Pilates Reformer. My rationalization is that when I am here writing, crocheting, reading, thinking, cleaning, volunteering, playing, dancing, and generally enjoying my time, I will be able to continue my fitness levels in preparation to teach again. As I workout at home I will be stronger, and having an instructor to monitor my form will support my progress. Eventually I will spread those check-ins farther apart as the investment in my home equipment has shifted my funds (which would have come from a small discretionary line) from money available to pay for classes. (I will post my Total Gym for sale. Its all about balance.)

I desire a break from the focus on earning money, that I may more effectively relax into my life - relax, as in take time to dream, imagine and believe. I continue my time in preparation - eliminating debt, filling the pantry, and saving instead of spending. I hear those justifications for my choices and release them as well, honoring all my desires, hopes and dreams.

My priority is to leave this job (in my established time frame).Toward that end, I am working the budget - everyday.