Some nights I can barely work up the energy to prepare for work. I do, but the struggle is intense. By the time I finish my coffee and head out the door, I am in the groove. Then I arrive in the parking garage and the struggle begins, again. My latest motivational mantra is, “Working the budget. I am thankful for the opportunity to work tonight. I’m working the budget.” Moments arise when I feel like I could just walk out, except for my commitment to the budget. Budget says, “keep coming back - it works!” (Shout out NA.)
In these final days at work, There is great discontent amongst the masses. It seems enough for them to bitch, whine, and moan about how things are. And in those exact moments it is even more necessary that I find a way to show up with the option to leave. I must hold the reality that the way in is also the way out. The only trap exist in mind. To be sure, I am certainly crabbier than I need be, especially as I have resolved to do something different. My current distress flows from both what I want (stuff) and what I need (freedom).
I must confess that with all the saving I have been proclaiming, I have made a few more purchases. I bought a Pilates Reformer. My rationalization is that when I am here writing, crocheting, reading, thinking, cleaning, volunteering, playing, dancing, and generally enjoying my time, I will be able to continue my fitness levels in preparation to teach again. As I workout at home I will be stronger, and having an instructor to monitor my form will support my progress. Eventually I will spread those check-ins farther apart as the investment in my home equipment has shifted my funds (which would have come from a small discretionary line) from money available to pay for classes. (I will post my Total Gym for sale. Its all about balance.)
I desire a break from the focus on earning money, that I may more effectively relax into my life - relax, as in take time to dream, imagine and believe. I continue my time in preparation - eliminating debt, filling the pantry, and saving instead of spending. I hear those justifications for my choices and release them as well, honoring all my desires, hopes and dreams.
My priority is to leave this job (in my established time frame).Toward that end, I am working the budget - everyday.