#Happy Everyday!

I traveled across the country, to my favorite place and my heart - San Francisco! I made the pilgrimage over Golden Gate Bridge. Cross that off. Having fully renewed my fear of heights, I have no need to repeat the journey. Now when I feel unwell, I describe the symptoms as the sensation of walking across the bridge. Notice, I am hovering near the street/traffic edge; felt safer.

Before I completed my time at my last work situation, I applied for two jobs. One that pays well and another under the category,  "Would you be here if you were not getting paid?" Yes! As of this date, neither have called. I applied for two more jobs. One that will meet my basic needs. The other my desired schedule and maybe more money. Maybe. One contact to which I was not able to respond - system down.

To be clear, I love being at home. I leave to earn the funds so I can return home. Working offers the advantage of ease in meeting my financial obligations. I like ease. If I want effort, I can workout. So, as I step up my search for my next right and perfect work situation, I am thankful for each morning I wake when I choose, and every night I have relaxedly enjoyed before crawling into my comfy bed to rest. I celebrate each waking, Happy Everyday!

My days are filled with grandchildren, art and knitting. I am learning more about my attention and patience. I explore my creativity, stretching beyond my comfort zone. In my success of creating for others, I learned that it is unpleasant. I thought that time and talent was sufficient to complete the project. I found myself greatly distressed during the process - will they want this, like this, even care how much time and effort this required? Rather than sharing my joy, I offered my angst. My preference is to create and share, but not to order.

Presently, I am knitting a sweater for my son - XXL Tall. It was so exciting before I cast on. Now each row seems a chore. I put it aside when my enthusiasm wanes, pick up the mittens. This is a labor of love, much like birthing. (I took a break during my 52 hour labor.) I still have a month to complete the project, even at my slow pace and I am positive he will love it. 

As the year winds close, I am thoughtful of the choices I have made to have arrived at this moment. I thought I would manage to hang out at that last job until March 2018. One day, as I was driving for work, I realized there was no way I wanted to keep doing what I was doing. I was a mass of conflict. I had used my savings to pay off an old loan so I could open a new one. Not a fan of debt, I mapped a plan to save for my departure. The pay was low, but the benefits good. Leaving was more than the paycheck. Staying was draining my attention and energy, on and off the job. My co-workers were apathetic, though probably due to working multiple jobs along with family obligations. None seemed committed to being happy. Well, what the huh?

We  have relegated happiness to birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. We congratulate births and partings (retirement). Yet, in between, we neglect happiness. When we find happiness we either grasp the moment to save and store in memory to pull out savor and lament, or dismiss and return to the grind before. Happiness to available moment to moment. A gentle awareness of each breath in the present moment allow us to exclaim, Happy Everyday!

Living the Dream

This is my world.

I live in the city - isolated behind trees and trellis.
I grow perennials -daisies and irises, lilies and roses.
That blue plant is spiderwort.

When I was younger, raising children, working and going, I dreamed of being a little old lady in the woods. When I was very young I lived in the country, baking bread and planning to birth repeatedly.
I got over that.

But I kept cooking and sewing and learning.
I am a novice gardener.

Some things grow well. I plant survivors.
Some plants leave after a spell. It used to bother me, but then, I have friends that do the same thing.
I live in a city of transients.

This morning I was listening to Wayne Dyer talk about japa mediation. I have been praying and affirming for my right and perfect work situation. I have been living free of attachment to the source. Or so I thought.

Cleaning. Ahh-ing. Om-ing. Being. Waiting. Patiently. Trusting.

I decided that since I am planning to go back to work I had better get the stuff done that I have been ignoring. I was not as hot today. I took down the curtains. I dusted, vacuumed and mopped. When I stepped out the shake the rug I noticed the mail had already arrived.

It was a thin envelope. Not what I was expecting. Still, I imagined it might hold hope.

Reading the form letter, I nearly collapsed in sadness. I was heart-broken. Bad news usually comes quickly, like two days. It has been two weeks so I was sure I had the job. I cried.

I did not call my favorite support person because she will remind me that I am living the dream. That my life is prosperous. That I am blessed. She will say I already have everything I need and fortune smiles on me. She will remind me to keep believing. That stops the tears.

I called my Z and boo-hooed for a bit. Then, I too remember that I am seeking my right and perfect work situation. Since I did not get this job at this time, it is not it. No point in crying about not getting something that was not for me.

As the day unfolded I realized I was attached to this job as the source of my income. How had that lie creeped into my thinking? My life is living proof of greater possibilities than relying on any single source of abundance. I love my home. I am grateful for the blessing to live and dance and play. The day may come when I am called away. Until then, I bless each moment living being here free.

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival; a joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and attend them all. Even if they're a crowd of sorrows... still, treat each guest honourable. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. (Rumi)

Tell Me The Truth

I've been applying for jobs over the last month. Granted, it has been four years since I was last looking, but things have changed. Included in the application process are assessments, questionnaires, and surveys. Employers have developed or hired companies to design and implement instruments to probe the depths of our psyches as well as our social interest, manners and behaviors. Rephrased repeatedly were questions about honesty, lying and telling the truth.

I answer the questions:

Yes. I always tell the truth. (It really pisses people off, especially employers. They seem to want validation for their ideas and policies and expect an "attitude" adjustment - meaning compliance, with a smile.)

One. The number of friends I had at my last job. (I go to work to work. I made that friend intentionally. I made a conscious effort to get to know her and determined that she might be fun to spend time with socially.)

Yes. I am more honest than most people. I find people trust me because they know I tell the truth. If they don't want the truth, they don't ask me. On the other hand, we are accustomed to people smiling in our faces and then sneering behind our backs.

But wait, this isn't just at work. Some people are practiced in social niceties. Me, not so much. I had a delightful lunch with my family. It was absolutely fun and playful. When I had nothing to say, I kept quiet. When a topic of interest opened up, I jumped right in. I happen to have a different opinion than everyone else at the table. I didn't mind, but they seemed to find it unbelievable. Since this was just lunch we parted and drove our separate ways.

At work, those social discussions rarely remain relaxed and since after lunch we are heading back to our shared work stations, whatever issues/feelings arise tend to linger on. I have found it prudent to just avoid offering personal information. At my last job, they passed out a survey to new employees so we could self-disclose. It was less interesting than they hoped as my favorite car was "the one I am driving." Favorite book, The Alchemist. Favorite vacation place, Berkeley. The supervisor stood looking at me with her head tilted to the side.

As I get older I have less interest in pretense. I am polite. I am civil. I am nice. I expect to be hired because I am competent, responsible, dependable, creative, exciting and willing to learn, shift and grow. I have applied for various situations, most within my field of learning, experience, and understanding. I also chose new and different positions.

I like telling the truth. I find it hard to follow fallacy even in my head. Even my fantasies have the element of truth, as in, it could be. Interviewing is next. I have a great smile, a seductive voice and broad and varied experience. I am here and I am enough!

Let us pray.