Saturday, November 17, 2012
You Two Have Issues
I have always know the main character would have to face her past, but dragging her back home has pushed up more unresolved feelings in me. The other two characters are sloshing through a miasma of emotional slush - one with joy, the other, angst. Maybe this has something to do with my own exhausting.
Taking a break, I decided to sign up for an online dating service. I've not been impressed in the past, though in all honesty, I did connect with a writer I talk to every now and then, who has read a section of my work and offered helpful suggestions. I learned how intense editing can be.
The dating site has a zillion questions to answer and then matches me up. Sometimes I click a picture of the person who looks interesting. There is a tab across the top reading, "You Two Have Issues." There the matchbots explain all the ways it looks like we are incompatible. Sometimes I agree. Since we know I have that LONG list of must haves, there is no point in pursuing relationships in contradiction to my desires.
On the other hand, I do not answer specific types of questions, ever. So the matchbots have some opinions of me that are not necessarily true. I come off very extreme and one-sided. While intense, I have a few gray areas. I'm just not willing to discuss them in public.
The biggest issue for me is that my matches don't drink. They indicated "Never" as their drinking frequency. Me, I'm "Very Often." I only drink on special occasions, and days that end in "y". That's an issue for me. I've dated lots of non-drinkers. They were all in recovery. I've dated one drinker. It was great fun, until we moved in together. It did not end well. Alcohol adds fuel to the fire.
The site fills my piddling time. I've messaged a couple to people. They respond. That's nice. It breaks isolation from my distress and that of my characters. I understand a bit more about my relationships and why I am single.
Maintaining relationship requires that we be willing to give up something we really want. In fact, we are conscious of that letting go as it happens. In that moment we decide if our relationship is worth it. This is true for all relationships - family, friends, co-workers, lovers, and community.
I have been in relationship with people who were unwilling to make sacrifices for our relationship. It was clear and hard. I learned to face the truth of my needs and accept that they were not available to meet them. (Nor could I show up as they required.) We were kind to each other, because we were clear - we had issues.
Wouldn't it be nice if you knew that up front, before emotional investment? However, I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world. They taught me to be myself.