|On an adventure|
I told you a while back that I was having a gentle freak out. It got a little bigger so that I thought I might have a meltdown. Well, actually, I had a meltdown. But that’s okay. It’s all part of the process. Remember that? The Process. You see, that’s what I signed up for when I said I was open and receptive to all the good coming my way. I am open and receptive. That means without judgment of the packaging or delivery methods and personnel. Looking at adventure that way is a hold new ball of wax – hence, the meltdown.
I’m writing a novel. Every day I spend time with my girls (the characters in the book). Their lives are full, active, and they have issues like the rest of us. They long to be loved and accepted as they are, but find themselves slated into the boxes of should, would, could and ought. Any bold stance seems to push them farther from the very things they long to claim – belonging and acceptance. However, they are committed – committed to the process of finding each other and wading through the issues that arise and challenge their resolve.
So, here stand I. Committed and resolved to honor the process. I relinquish my illusion of control and open to the loving understanding of a universe that supports my happiness and well being. I will settle for nothing less than absolutely everything. (And so it is. Ashé)
In the last week, I have faced some health issues, home repair problems, unexpected financial obligations, overwhelming exhaustion (due to sleep deprivation) and anxiety. All these matters, arising in succession seemed (in the fear mind) to suggest that this was not the best time to be leaving my job. They seemed to pound one after the other hoping to occupy my heart and mind. And they did, for a moment. However, I have a plan.
When I decided to leave my job I changed my flight arrangements to extend my travel beyond my paid leave allotment. Next, I used up all my paid leave. Of course, I turned in my notice. Now I talk up the process of living my dreams, even in the face of pessimism. I face the fear in the eyes of others and encourage them to dream beyond the paycheck. I keep showing up.
When the meltdown came, I reached out. I called someone who I knew could hear my struggle and pain yet not buy in for even one single second. She reminded me, “Trust the process.” I laughed through the tears pouring and slobbers dripping. I was an absolute mess. This too was part of the process. The fear, the challenges, the meltdown and the call – learning to reach out.
Reaching out is a new place for me which is why I signed up for classes, online dating, and language partners. I know that to live well means to find strong, meaningful connections with other people. I continue my hiatus from the virtual friend world except when I am actually sending a message of personal content to a specific person. I use pen, paper, email and the minutes I pay for each month to seek out and touch the lives of others.
Here toward the end of my day I know I am blessed. While the issues are still present, the feelings have passed. I remember the freak out only as a dot on the timeline. Like each moment, it’s here, and then it’s gone.
As I prepare to rest before work, I will hold my mala (prayer beads) and chant NAM-MYOHO-RENGE-KYO - the greatest teaching of the first historically recorded Buddha, known as Siddhartha Gautama or Shakyamuni Buddha. This teaching, called the Lotus Sutra, declares that all living beings, regardless of gender or intelligence have the potential to attain Buddhahood. In the Lotus Sutra, Shakyamuni Buddha teaches that inside each one of us a universal truth known as the Buddha nature. Basing our lives on this Buddha nature enables us to enjoy absolute happiness and to act with boundless compassion. Such a state of happiness is called enlightenment. It's simply waking up to the true nature of life, realizing that all things are connected, and that there is such a close relationship between each of us and our surroundings that when we change ourselves, we change the world.