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Sunday, January 8, 2012

My Weakness

I have a low tolerance for bullshit – those unnecessary comments and conversations that drag other people in just for the sake of confusion, chaos and conflict. We all have friends who share their own versions of the truth and live them. I like the term “Yarn Princess” for them. I listen, but do not invest in the version or outcome. It is easy to nod politely and smile. I have loved them for years and apparently this is a part of their basic design. Then there are those who claim to desire friendship but can’t come up with the truth even as it is being offered. They stick to whatever insane message is swirling in their heads and insist that your buy it. No thanks. 

I have been saving that opening phrase for when I have a job interview and they ask me what my weakness is. My general response is that I am dependable, reliable, accountable, punctual, and responsible. I am an excellent employee. I have an excellent job history and record. How long will I stay? As long as it is working for both of us. My weakness? Oh, yes. I have a low tolerance for bullshit. I am not interested in gossip, chit-chat, or anything for which I am not being paid. I come to work to earn money (and get material to write) and I socialize on my own time. Now, I understand that people these days spend most of their lives at work and so want multiple needs met there. I, on the other hand, only want to do my job, well, and get paid, well. 

My desire for sincerity and honesty extends into all areas of my life. It seems that we have become so accustomed to protecting our feelings that we are unwilling to face or tell the truth. To say I am protecting your feelings is not quite true. I am protecting myself from your reaction when I tell you the truth. Following this discussion with a friend, she shared, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.” We refrain from truth telling because we are avoiding another person’s madness.

What if I gave up my fear of your feelings? How would our relationship look if I trusted you have the facilities to manage information just as well as I do, or better? If I am unwilling to share the truth with others, am I telling the truth to myself?

For the last month I have been with my Family of Origin (FOO) and as there is no direct communication with me I have been managing on third party hearsay and innuendo. When I ask directly the information is filtered and relayed to convey the best possible light and deflect responsibility/blame. There are some blatant realities, but they are glossed over in favor of the next course of action. Sometimes I long to shout the truth then realize that perhaps there is no interest or that the investment lies elsewhere. Our delusions serve us and we will live and protect them until the day they become useless.

Sometimes I wake with an idea I think will make things easier. My place it to accept what is, even in the face of how it could be. I now let go of my need for everyone to be open and honest. There is no Tom Foolery in this situation. It is serious and intense. But in Love and Compassion, I stay on task and to ease what burdens I can. This freedom from working I claimed for myself has been a blessing for my parents and grandchild. It is in celebration that I extend my resources. 

I am just barely thinking about working part-time. There are a couple of places that I think would be fun. I enjoy interacting with people in light and carefree moments. That I can do for work. My joy is to show up without pretense and support whatever cause I have been called to. This is who I am.

1 comment:

  1. I call that my "unemployed early" plan/dream. 20 hours or less per week or perhaps 30 1 week and 10-15 another. Way less obligation. The fun piece is a given. Even in full-time employment, I don't accept things I know I won't enjoy.


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