My aunt says I can't go about upset and crying all the time. We need a break. We need a bit of levity. Me, I would rather we adopted the Jewish ritual of sitting shivah - the seven day period of obligatory mourning by the deceased relatives. Cover the mirror. Give up the façade. Wail at the wall. Cry aloud. But I say start ASAP, rather than waiting.
I've been working on the levity piece. While I was talking on the phone with my Z, a man tried to sell her some crystals. She says it happens more often that you think. I believe it. She is in the city. Then she shared that a man kept calling at her and approached with a cardboard with something hanging on it. He was selling panties. I've got some here that might fit you. They look to be your size. No thank you, I have mine on. Here have a look. These would look good on you.
That's what I want to buy. Some body's panties tacked to a board. On the other hand, I am excited about capturing those enterprising ventures on film when DA and I travel to hang with Z in SFO. I hope we see someone that interesting. I'll post pictures. Just the thought lifts my mood.
There are preparations to be made as family gathers for the funeral. I have my own family as well, and a house, and commitments. I cancelled everything so my mind would be free of obligation and my focus on these task. Traveling back to my home I noticed two cars parked on the side of the road. As I passed them, I saw what they were watching. Thousands of starlings lifted from the earth - a murmuration. I like this video:
I'm tired and of all the things I wanted to share, I am going to end with the need to recognize balance. There are ridiculously ugly things happening by self possessed controlling egomaniacs in the guise of love. It is not new. We are merely living the patterns that have been previously established. On the other hand, there are deep kindnesses - food, loving prayerful phone calls, offers of support.
I am blessed to be able to show up as myself. I have grown beyond the need for outside approval so can face the mountainous task before us. I am blessed with loving children and friends. And today, I understand how very important it was for me to wade through the feelings in November, for I am clearer today. I could still slap a ... but I understand that Love and Compassion are there for me when those feeling arise.
I need to laugh. I look in the mirror and at times face a death mask. I am a well upholstered lass, but my face looks thin and frail. Fat adds fullness, health, sustenance to the skin and structure. So, I will keep looking for the lighter side of each moment. A few tears of sorrow, some more of joy. I'll get tickled with DA and her need to eat constantly. I'll support her brave attempts to make friends with new people and her search for sanctuary within my skirts. And I will watch my favorite funny clip: