Living By Default

Waiting to Be

My friend, on returning from Burning Man, commented that this world is referred to as “the default life.” This discussion follows the question of what it’s like to come home after an intense time away building community that is rich with expressed, accepted and welcome alternatives. Years ago, I spent three weeks each summer around the August full moon at the Michigan Wymins Music Festival. The first year I attended the event and decided the following years to return as a “worker.” Festival workers arrive before opening to prepare the land, establish space and set up the facilities that will eventually receive up to 30,000 women and children. They stay after the event to return the land to herself – removing all evidence of occupation (except a few bend limbs).

This is three weeks of living in tents, wandering fields and lanes, day and night in what felt like complete safety. We lived in a world that catered to our being free to express our inner natures - which may have had to wait an entire year. What happened in Michigan, stayed in Michigan, for many.  We lived and loved openly and carefree. Then, after running, roaming, frolicking, laughing, playing, and dancing naked in the moonlight, we broke camp, loaded out cars, put on our bras and prepared for the drives or flights back… 

Back home, to our default lives, to reality.  No, not reality, for we had just left reality. The reality is that we are all loving, open, free beings longing for full expression.  The greater, more immediate reality is that we have only one life to live. This is not a trial, not a test run, and not plan A. 

And with each day's awakening we are given another opportunity to be. Why not live with passion, love, joy and abandon? How long will we settle for how things have always been, hoping that by magic they will get better? Yes, time does change things. Time offers perspective, but we will have to choose to change.

So, do what you love. They say the money will follow, maybe it will, maybe it will even catch up. Would you rather be happy and living a life of joy, or counting cash? Are you willing to keep saving for the rainy day while sitting in a downpour of sadness? Can you imagine living those retirement dreams now while you have the strength and energy to pull it off? How long will we keep putting off living, hoping that our day will come?

Do what you love. Love what you do. Be who you are. We will all be better off when you are happy.

Sat Nam

Stuff

The process of change

In the past six months I have been taking a hard look at the amount of stuff I have in my space. I have recycled, reduced and reused much of what I have and still it is way too much. I had the garage sale, gave away bags, piles, and stacks. I posted some things on line and one even sold. Still, there is way too much. Finally, I will have to just donate the final bits and be done. There is no profit from hoarding just any old thing. I have too much.

On the other hand, I have a lot, more than enough. So much so, if you came to visit me and had a need, I could easily, willingly and openly offer to share with you. This is how I have always seen my life – that I would be a storehouse of information and necessities. Today, I do not believe I can offer that kind of generosity if I am focused on having only the minimum. Giving you my last shirt leaves me naked and seeking clothes.

Today the sales come out and will last through next Tuesday. There are several items which I don’t actually need myself, but are a fabulous buy at the sale price and I have a great coupon, making an even better deal. So between now and then I will head out to purchase those items. We are called to feed the hungry and clothe the naked. I plan to have the means to do so. 

I am a great shopper. That’s how I ended up with so much. I didn’t buy most of it, but learning to find a deal has served me well in the past. I am just in from the grocer to have found my coffee price increased sixty cents. In the past I would have bought four cans each month. I have a thing about running out. I also have a thing about paying way more money than I prefer. However, in this last hundred days I have been paring down, delaying shopping, using what I have. That style of shopping is likely to cost me in the long run. One might think that things even out in the end, but sometimes they don’t. If prices keep going up, I would prefer to have enough to last until I find a really good sale or a new supply. Not only coffee, but any items I am attached to having.

We’ve got to think things through for ourselves. We have to really decide if we are interested in living with less because we want to, believe we have to, or because we find it serves our lives to do so. What do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be happy. I plan to be happy. Being happy for me includes having my favoritist things around. I like lots of teas, espresso coffee, half and half, raw sugar, wine, chocolate, scotch, books, paper, pens, yarn, fabric, fuzzy blankets, my computer, smartphone, camera, earrings, and particular glasses from which to drink specific libations. 

I’m home now. Surrounded by my stuff. I feel welcome, relaxed, and at peace. When you come to visit, no matter how long your journey, we will kick a space clear for you and pour a cup of tea or glass of wine. You, too, may indulge in the abundance of my stuff. There is enough of everything for everyone – including you.

Working the Budget - 34 days or else

Some nights I can barely work up the energy to prepare for work. I do, but the struggle is intense. By the time I finish my coffee and head out the door, I am in the groove. Then I arrive in the parking garage and the struggle begins, again. My latest motivational mantra is, “Working the budget. I am thankful for the opportunity to work tonight. I’m working the budget.” Moments arise when I feel like I could just walk out, except for my commitment to the budget. Budget says, “keep coming back - it works!” (Shout out NA.)

In these final days at work,  There is great discontent amongst the masses. It seems  enough for them  to bitch, whine, and moan about how things are. And in those exact moments it is even more necessary that I find a way to show up with the option to leave. I must hold the reality that the way in is also the way out. The only trap exist in mind. To be sure, I am certainly crabbier than I need be, especially as I have resolved to do something different. My current distress flows from both what I want (stuff) and what I need (freedom).

I must confess that with all the saving I have been proclaiming, I have made a few more purchases. I bought a Pilates Reformer. My rationalization is that when I am here writing, crocheting, reading, thinking, cleaning, volunteering, playing, dancing, and generally enjoying my time, I will be able to continue my fitness levels in preparation to teach again. As I workout at home I will be stronger, and having an instructor to monitor my form will support my progress. Eventually I will spread those check-ins farther apart as the investment in my home equipment has shifted my funds (which would have come from a small discretionary line) from money available to pay for classes. (I will post my Total Gym for sale. Its all about balance.)

I desire a break from the focus on earning money, that I may more effectively relax into my life - relax, as in take time to dream, imagine and believe. I continue my time in preparation - eliminating debt, filling the pantry, and saving instead of spending. I hear those justifications for my choices and release them as well, honoring all my desires, hopes and dreams.

My priority is to leave this job (in my established time frame).Toward that end, I am working the budget - everyday.

Some questions (with answers)

As I prepare for the next great thing that comes along, I enjoy looking at questions and wondering if I am willing to live the freedom and have the creativity to be who I am upfront, or if I have become so stifled by convention that I run on auto-pilot? I might be a bit smart aleck, but rarely sarcastic or flippant. Here goes:

What goal have you achieved that you are proud of?
I have quit lots of jobs. While I am willing to go to work, I have limited tolerance for stupidity, ignorance, meanness or disrespect of other people’s choices, particularly in the areas or race, creed, gender expression, sexual choices, or ideas. I also leave personal relationships for the same reasons. I enjoy knowing different people and sharing thoughts and ideas, but we must make space to differ without being ugly.
I have had lots of lovers; all different races, sizes and gender expressions. This has allowed me great freedom in extending love, attention, and affection toward others. It also means I understand how we all get to be loved.
I have figured out how to be completely pleased with myself and how I live my life.I know how to manage my needs and desires. I am willing to hold out the possibility of more.

How have you elevated another from mediocrity to greatness?
Complete attention without distraction to the most intimate details of the moment opens the Divine path from here to eternity. I can do that.

How would you spent an ideal day off with no financial limits?
I would wake bright and early. Begin my day with deep breathing, mediation, and then a cup of coffee on the deck (or somewhere outside). An hour later I would be in a Power Yoga class at YTTP.  Next, lunch at Pakwan’s, followed by the afternoon at the spa. I would have the entire treatment - sauna, dip, sugar rub, massage, hot tub. I would have a late dinner of raw juice and fresh fruit. Dessert of dark chocolate and raspberry wine. This is an idea day to share with a friend.

If you could high-five anyone, who would it be?
Rumi. Yeah, I know it will have to wait, but I admire his deep devotion to the Beloved, his deeply sensuous presence and unfailing love of all.

What is a quote to live by?
To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.

What are you most passionate about?
Living freely - freedom to follow my heart, to pursue ideas, be creative, live and love well. Yoga, too.

What do you want to be remembered for?
I’m thinking great sex; but more, in that I gave another excellent, undivided attention that they were elevated beyond their previous understanding of themselves and the world (in and out of bed).
I said what I meant. I did meant what I said. And I did what I said I was going to do.

What is the theme song of your life?

Falling leaves - 41 days

Begonias, bright and beautiful

Its fall and I love mums. I love new mums in the fall; new mums in pots on the porch and about the yard. But more than buying new plants, which would go a long way to soothe my heart/mind after the miserable night I just had, my deepest desire is to leave this job – and to do so, according to plan. 

More begonias, strong and full

It was another difficult night. It started incredibly bad. Even before I arrived things were in a state of upheaval. I thought I would just follow the plan that had been laid out without asking any questions. I am practicing going with the flow. I have to practice because my natural inclination is to question the process. At the time, it seemed the best plan to avoid conflicts and undue stress. I was wrong. Before we had even turned over charge of the desk I had already become embroiled in angst. Angst is the best word to describe the shouting, dismissive tones used to address me. While I perfectly understood that things were going downhill, I could feel even more deeply how very much I preferred to be elsewhere.

When I am doing as asked someone is mad and clear that they have a right to be rude, condescending and or dismissive toward me. When I make an attempt to find support or help for the customers we serve, the staff are angry that they have to do their jobs. When I mind my own business and stay clear of any process that is directly part of my job I am held accountable for not anticipating the needs of staff and meeting them. Most days I feel like I work for and with alcoholics - walking on eggshells because they are extremely sarcastic and defensive. 

Someone left their coffee cup in the drawer, full of coffee, upside down. Someone made a dish of crackers and broth and left powdered broth on a washcloth on the counter, crackers on the counter, and coffee spill everywhere. There was a towel on the floor. Why? I pick up, clean up, restock, tend, clear, pitch, and wipe. I’d like to post one of those signs that say, “I am not your mother. Clean up behind yourselves.” But the reality is there are signup sheets to clean up behind others.  Then I remember I get paid the same no matter what the task.  I do complain, but it makes no different; merely another opportunity to let go.

Pumpkin, waiting...

Temperatures and turning leaves are falling. Exiting the building these mornings I open to the changing seasons. September has faded away and in four weeks I begin the closing process. The anguish over flu vaccinations has quieted. Within I agree to hold my tongue. These days the most important thing on my mind is staying employed until I am ready to submit my resignation. 

I allow these nights, with their myriad challenges, to remind me of my priorities:

I appreciate the beauty around me.

I am thankful for the foundation I have lain and the abundance the blooms forth.

Fall berries on the vine

I recognize that I have more than enough and that all my needs are met.

I honor the lessons even in the most difficult situations.

I remain alert and aware of my surrounding.

I allow each person to follow their own path, just as I wish to follow mine.

I am thankful for each day with its blessings.

Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end.

Further along the journey…

Grief and gratitude are kindred souls, each pointing to the beauty of what is transient and given to us by grace.

Patricia Campbell Carlson
(Letter to a friend)