Considering Polyamory

All for One and One for All

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate partner in a mutually consenting relationship. In plain speak, I have a lover, who has a lover, who may have a lover as well (hopefully) and together we are co-lovers.

In many ways, polyamory provides the best of many worlds. Imagine sharing time with your friends who enjoy hiking, fishing, outdoor adventures, and then with those who prefer time at home with a movie and glass of wine. On some nights you are out for dancing and karaoke; generally wandering about the city. Is it possible that one friend can share all those adventures or might you divide your time with those who enjoy the same passions as you?

For those with strongly diverse desires and passions, polyamory offers support, understanding,and play within a committed context. The freedom to share interests and plan activities openly with co-lovers differs from the concept of cheating, swinging, or serial monogamy.

Polyamory maintains several values, including trust, honesty, loyalty, respect, transparency, communication, non-possessiveness, boundaries and agreements. Simply put, each partners is accepted, not merely tolerated. Partners are open and receptive to the needs and desires of the other, honoring the agreements between them all. Secretive meetings and relationships are frowned upon as outside of the value system.

The structure of relationship will look different from one group to another. Some manage to maintain  equality between lovers but more than not (in my experience) one lover is primary, another secondary and the next tertiary. It seemed as long as each had a primary lover there was enough space/freedom to move amongst one another freely. When there was a single primary for co-lovers the division of time and attention became an issue.

Polyamorous relationships come with the same jealousies and insecurities as any other relationship. Generally, jealousy is viewed as an issue to be discussed and overcome, especially as this is one area that can destroy the relationship. At times this is most evident when co-lovers share the content of their activities with each other. It is important to notice how the partner’s life is enhanced and joy expanded.  Jealousy can lead to power struggles when two co-lovers collude against or in conjunction with each other, dismissing the presence or opinion of a third.

Absent lovers, through break-up, relocation, or lifestyle shift affect the dynamic of the whole. Having lived in the fashion of mutual satisfaction the void is palatable. The reorganization of priorities around time, space and attention can rock the entire balance; and  adjustment may be outside of the previous relationship commitments.

This is especially true when that turn of events points toward monogamy - that belief that we can be “All for One” and that another will be the “One for All.” In this instance,  we are looking toward a single person to fulfill the needs and desires that were once spread amongst a few. Imagine the one being settled into a quiet home life. What of those times the other dreams of dancing the night away? Who will wander the backwoods through hill and dale with the one  when the chosen partner is skittish about bugs and sticks, and the dark? What kinds of concessions are each willing to make to meet the needs and desires of the other? At what point do we dismiss our own desires for the sake of the relationship? And how do we forget what was once so easy and delightful? Will the love and commitment of one be enough?

As hard as it can be for the partner who feels like sacrifices are being made, it is equally challenging to face that it is impossible to satisfy needs that were once met by many - or at least more than one. This ignites an entirely new set of insecurities, that if not tempered immediately, become the fuel for discord as time goes on, creating an exit in the relationship.

The very structure of the polyamory allows the freedom of exploration, with an opening to welcome a new person into the relationship, sexually and/or emotionally without the fear of losing the primary relationship. Closing the exit refers to releasing and letting go of any ideas, thoughts, behaviors or actions that serve as a way out of the relationship. Rather than being a promise, it is a commitment extending months, perhaps years along the monogamous relationship. While additional relationships may be the door, memories serve as windows; thoughts and ideas as cracks and crevices.

Monogamy requires a rewiring of the circuitry of sharing life, time and experience together. Each partners must except the past, understanding its joy and challenge, while openly embracing the same in the present. This depth of honesty offers greater hope for the monogamous couple than merely dismissing what has come before.

In my experience, while knowledge of the past was clearly discussed, the lack of acknowledgement of how polyamory served our lives left us open to massive hurt as we attempted negotiation with just the two of us. We were so completely different in our interest, ideas, and understandings that even as we deeply loved and longed to live and grow together, we were constantly distracted by what was not going well. What I missed at times was not the other personality, but the shared energy and experiences.

As I grow older, I am opening to this possibility again - polyamory, not monogamy. I deeply appreciate my time and space, but imagine enjoying the shared energy and experience of another, who has another.

Let’s add this to the list of promises to myself.

✿ڿڰۣ(̆̃̃ღ Lucky Maria! ღ(̆̃̃ڿڰۣ✿

Running out the door tonight I checked the mail. Not just junk, but an exclamation, “LUCKY MARIA!” My first thought was really, a new lover? No, it was some trash to borrow $5000 and head out shopping, or some other such foolishness.

Though I have never been attracted to the random announcement of my luck - fliers, spam, bulk mail, etc - I notice now how very much we are bombarded with insistence to spend, spend, spend. Walking along I realized that even if I had won $5000, I have no need to buy anything. In fact, as you know, I am working diligently (at least in my mind) to rid my world of extraneous stuff.

Now the notion of a new lover was rather tantalizing. I’ve updated my profile on one of those personals sites and while there have been a couple of responses, not nearly as many as I expected and not at all the level of interaction I am seeking. Ah, patience, you say. Thankfully, I have plenty of that. My biggest obstacle is the “newness” aspect. I’d rather not visit my old stomping grounds - broken glass and all.

I am going to pass on the concept of luck and recognize I am responsible for making a difference in my life.  If I expect different people to show up, I will have to look in different places and not settle for the same old thing. There are nearly 125,000 people around here. Surely I can find a few who might enjoy dinner and a glass of wine.

I am traveling, so the whole world is available.Somewhere out there...

Abiding Fools

Even though the week is over in a few hours, I feel like I have been drug buck nekkid though nettles and huckleberries. I got a hundred thorns sticking in me that snag and dig whenever I move. Removing them leaves a wound for the salt, vinegar, alcohol, and lemon juice.

No, I am not feeling persecuted, just overwhelmed and burnout after listening to homophobia comments, backbiting remarks, having my decisions undercut by co-workers, explaining basic human needs to those one “expects” to have some compassion. Yes, I hear the world can be an ugly place, but I work in health care at a facility that claims every patient is a VIP and places patient care and comfort before common sense.

Didn’t I start counting down these 100 Days quite a while ago? I feel like I am going to work every single one of them. Work, not as in go to a job, but work out - work out the places that have been the challenge for the last three years and three months. Tonight as I sat revisiting the management process, tears just streamed. Breathing would neither dam or delay the flood once it leaked out. the listener continued his story hoping, I’m sure, that I would pull it together. Not! I could cry and stay or shut down my feelings and head out the door. Or worse, displace them in a situation which would lead back to one of these discussions. Better to break the cycle.

In support of the process, I came across The Six Perfections - on The Path of Liberation. I was actually looking for mala beads to gift a friend when I found these Buddhist teachings. In particular, the teaching of patience surfaces tonight.

Perfection in patience is demonstrated when the mind does not become agitated.  First, we remain calm and relaxed when we are harmed by others - physically, mentally, or emotionally - for we know that our reaction will only increase suffering. Secondly, we voluntarily accept suffering as we are responsible for the situation or circumstance we are in and these are teaching moments - growth opportunities. The third aspect of patience deals with concentration and focus on the teachings...

As much as teachings of healing and hope like to focus on turning the other cheek as a universal standard for addressing adversity. We can also recall the need to stand and meet out justice, as when the same author of turning the other cheek tore through the temple whipping the money changers or called out the major teachers of his day as liars and hypocrites.

Do I hold my tongue regardless of the injustice, neglect and outright hatefulness? How can I maintain any integrity within as I divert my gaze? If the space I seek is the space I create, then am I not responsible for ensuring that my presence makes a difference?  

I expect to be free of prejudice, classism, homophobia, and personality clashes (for the most part) while at work. I recognize that we all have our own opinions, but when they infringe on the peace of others, perhaps they are best reserved for our personal lives. My goal is to be surrounded by those who are educated and honestly accepting of those different than themselves. High standards, yes. Achievable, certainly.

The Core

Yesterday I spent a session activating my core – squeezing the abdominals, lifting the muscles, wrapping the obliques.  While these are neither new terms nor techniques, personal attention to the task makes all the difference. This was my first session with the Pilates instructor.  Months ago I bought a group coupon online for three sessions in a reformer studio. It looked like a good deal and I was excited to check it out. Turns out it was better than I imagined. Specifically, each student is required to have an introduction and assessment before they are allowed to attend the group reformer classes. While I thought I knew what was expected and what I was doing, it turns out that if someone is holding a stick to my spine, there’s a bit more engagement to reach for.

Our time together included the studio tour, equipment information, instructional cues, and then the assessment. At the end, I was sweating up a storm, much like I had been though a full workout. I appreciated the time and attention the instructor gave to tweak my body alignment and encourage my effort in the movement. I thought I would go for my coupon sessions and then work on my own, but I can see the advantage of having direct support as I learn to self-adjust.

Between sessions at the studio, I will practice on my Total Gym. Yes, I bought it. Not the fancy dancy one, though it still exist in my longing, but a basis model that will allow me to follow along at home. I had been working out with the arm exercises and some legs up for core, but after my studio instruction it takes very little to feel great effort. 

In other areas, I am exploring my passion for writing. My desire to write extends back into childhood, though it was not safe to write outside of school projects. During my early college years I kept extensive personal journals and the poetic sagas of a young woman’s heartbreak. I’ve attended several writing workshops and classes and even as I recognize this shift in work priorities, I am drawn to return to the passion of my core. 

I used to imagine I would sit at my desk, tall glass of whiskey and ice, wearing a white lace slip, drunk and writing – alone in the house. Turns out I don’t  make a bit of sense when I drink and write. Pages of rambling without a thread to pull, not a shred to connect one thought to another. It’s a dream I let be.

Ten weeks to go. Two months until I give notice. It seems my list of things to do is growing so that I know I must find a way to live this life I imagine. There are books and blogs and articles to write, photographs to take and post, videos to make, skirts to sew, rooms to paint, bread to bake, crocheting, dancing, playing, gardening, traveling, singing, leaping and shouting for joy! Oh, and teaching – my heart yearns to teach. 

Even though I thought I was working from my core, given a bit of personal attention, I could feel so much more depth, both in that session and as I have continued this walk through life. 

I am alive at my core.

I live and move from my core.

I am awake and aware at the core of my being.

Blessed be.

Live as if every moment counts

Live as if every moment counts.
Sing as if joy flows from your heart.
Dance as if everyone is watching - entranced.
Love knowing that wounds heal.
Work as a choice. You really don’t need the money.

Money can’t buy love, happiness, or health. And while money can buy food, you can’t eat it – money, that is. And, you can get food other ways.

Last night I took a few chances with the “I will not always be with you” proposition. In general, I feel as if what I do at work is dismissed by the licensed staff. I serve as support staff, helping with all manner of computer entry and clarification of the medical order process. My goal, in any job, is to teach the personnel to manage for themselves. For those who prefer to have gofers there is great resistance. The reality is that some tasks they can to for themselves with greater efficiency than I can do for them. In this most recent teaching the nurse stated that she would probably forget and need me to teach her again in two months. “No, this is your learning and your time. I will not be here in two months.”

There. I said it. I’ve been hinting at it, sometimes daily. There are still eleven weeks, but I am putting some ownership to the process, feeling what comes up next. There were other moments when I share what my dream is, how I want to show up. Few understand, as some staff, licensed and not, work six twelve hour days in a roll. “They need the money.” When we see someone out of their scheduled routine, they will proclaim the joy (or attachment) to overtime.

As I left the building, I stopped to buy a sherbet treat for DA and I. I had given it up for both the cost (though minimal until you have one daily) and the calories (because I eat the WHOLE thing). The cashier asked the customer before me why she was in the building this morning. She replied, “Overtime. I need the money. Who doesn’t?” I raised my hand, “Not me.”

I recognize that we barter for housing, utilities, and food with money. My point is that all that money will not serve us if we are too tired, exhausted, sick, worn out, or busy to truly enjoy our lives. Or if what we do to earn that overtime leaves us feeling generally disagreeable. It is not for me to say what brings another joy, merely to light a beacon for those who hold the hope of living authentically and being free.

Live the days of your life.