Lenten Musings

During this season of letting go and moderation, I have found that I have exerted little control over my appetites.  My commitment to shop less has been completely neglected. Between numerous shopping trips to the grocery store for my new found yogurt obsession and then picking up a few things along the way, to reading blogs and finding yet another site I just have to check out, I think I have spent more in these last three weeks than I normally do.  I have had one birthday past and one more coming which necessitated gift shopping.  For the most part, I will say I have found some amazing deals that seemed I could not pass up.  Of course, that is the story of my life. 

I was sick for several days and actually stayed inside for four of them. My first trip out made up for my absence.  As I placed my bags in the car, I thought, so much for staying home and saving money.  That has never been a successful plan for me anyway.  I have the same list of needs and desires whether I shop a bit at a time or all at once.  I am not particularly driven by impulse, as much as getting the most for my money.

On the topic of sex, I have had much to process.  Initially, I thought to divert my time, attention and energy from all sexual activity.  On further consideration, I decided to merely give up showing up for sexual activity in my relationship. This decision pushed up a myriad of issues, the biggest and deepest being that neither of us were satisfied with the experience we were having. In a life where I claim to have few (to no) regrets, this has become huge.  What were we doing, that we would subject each other to painful, uncomfortable, unwelcome, useless, deeply intimate interactions?  And why did it go on for so long?  I had been making and taking breaks along the way, but as I reviewed my journal from the past year, I have been unhappy with this situation for seven months. This particular Lenten commitment opened the doors for loads of feelings to arise and for the break-up which was initiated in January to bare its teeth. 

I find, with what appears to be this “extra” time (due to relationship space) that I have become deeply apathetic, nonchalant, and rather hopeless. Though spring had come, I am still tired and it is still cold or rainy. Being sick hasn’t helped at all.  If I were not invested in shopping, I would probably spend my time in bed reading and then heading off to work, coming home to a glass of wine and reading before sleep. The things I thought would occupy my time are of little interest anymore (or at least not these days).  Already, I run a rather loose ship so that my laundry rest in piles on the floor, hang along the way to be closeted, or in the basket.  My first thought was that I would wear clothes in the closet so I could cycle through lesser worn outfits.  That has worked for three weeks.  I have a lot of clothes. Now I see it is a symptom of my even deeper lackadaisical attitude. However, somewhere inside, I believe, this too shall pass. Perhaps, I am a bit hopeful still; at least for spring and change.

I received a lilac cutting which I planted in a pot today.  I love lilac and hope to find a spot in my garden where it will love me back.  I’ve planted radish and beet seeds, but it snowed again and has been cold.  The sun was out today, but no sign of my radishes which mature in 21 days. I have a different potato plan for this year.  I think gardening will get its on blog so I can share my joy and progress.  Finally, the crocuses have come up.  Not the 120 I planted, but about a dozen.  Sometimes it’s hard to consider all the effort I have invested in a bulb garden and observe the minimal return. (As I type this sentence, this is the exact tarot reading I drew - Seven of Pentacles – Assessment, reversed.)

I have great adventures planned for my future.  I honor their coming.  But more importantly is my commitment to live my life, here, now.  I chose to focus my energy and attention inward that I might connect more deeply with the universal power of love and light that guides me.  Some days I merely stand as witness that no matter how I feel, I move on, somehow…

Waiting and reflecting on what I know and believe to be true about myself and the love that surrounds me, I find what strength I need for the day. It is with confidence that one prays, “Give us this day…” for today is all that we are required to live.

Let tomorrow take care of itself.

Namaste

My favorite quote:

For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and then the other. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel. Add our little consequence to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day. With love: the passionate search for truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on.

Shantaram